How to Make a Family Part V

As we pull forward, slowly gaining momentum, rushing right side up again, we speed into our Adoption Homestudy.

Now up until this point we'd thought that our Foster Care Homestudy was pretty intense, but we were about to find out that there is no such thing as "privacy" when it comes to adoption. They want to know everything about you, what you like, what you don't like, do you like travel, reading, religion, science, cooking, cultural experiences, festivals, trade shows, politics, talk radio, if you're into art, if you like music, if listening to music while you look at art makes you think about that one time when you were 3 and your mom called you inside for lunch but you fell and scraped your knee and cried and the neighbor kids laughed at you and it made you so embarrassed that you yelled at your mom and promised you'd never cry again as long as you lived, never, never, never?

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. They wanted to know how your parents disciplined you, how you felt about it when they did, if you wanted to be like them, if not, how you get along with them now, about what they taught you about God, love, sex, dreams, jobs, grass, foot stools, toad stools, bowel stools. Heck, they wanted to know everything about everything that has anything or nothing to do with anything or nothing you might ever think about or not think about and if you don't think about it why don't you?, and if you think about what it's like to not think about it does it make you want to think about it? or try it? or eat it? or smell it? or steal it? or give it away? or just cry? And if you do cry about it or not, how does that make you feel?

Are you getting the point yet? It's insanely intense for no other reason (that I can surmise) than to put you through a psychological wringer to find out if you'll still be sane once you're done.

The reality is that they do ask about your childhood, if it was happy, if you're happy now, etc. They want to know if you're screwed up because of how your parents raised you, if not, if you're screwed up because of something else instead, and if you're parents did do a bad job, if you'll be able to do better. What characteristics you have versus your husband/spouse, how you work together, how you feel about each other, how you feel about your feelings for each other, how your relationship is to your family, their family, whether or not your family will be accepting of an adopted child. Yes, they DID ask about our sex life, if we're 'conservative', passionate, prude, deviant, what we're going to teach our kids about homosexuality, if we're going to promote abstinence, and all that. How your previous relationships were, if they were healthy, if not why?

I think they may have even asked our favorite color in all of that mess.

So, at this point we're starting to feel like "Man I hope these kids are worth it!". Of course, they are. But you do start to wonder why some average Joe and Jane who don't even know each other can go out and screw each other one night after leaving the bar drunk and make a baby and have a child, but we've got to get naked and jump through fiery hoops of barbwire in front of the world while juggling our hearts riding a unicycle blindfolded to adopt one.

We did finish the homestudy, but of course now can't look our adoptions' worker in the eye without turning red. (ok, not really, she is pretty awesome) The hearing in August was to update the court that we'd finished our homestudy and were still going to adopt. We were assigned an attorney and after completing the paperwork, had a signing date set.

During this time, the birth dad had gone into default regarding Theia, which means he's forever the alleged dad, but would never have rights since he never came forward (making her adoption easier for us in the long run) and the birth mom had one visit with her in April that she showed for. On July 24th, the termination hearing came, and rights were terminated. At that time the birth mom was granted a 'good bye' visit which she did schedule and attend. It was nice to see her one last time and get to see her again (at least I got a few more questions answered, and I know Theia will never remember it and it didn't have any negative impact on her to be there, so I wasn't concerned for her. And, no, I did not take the other kids.)

The birth mom's attorney did put in an appeal this time, so due to how long it takes just to get things done, even though it's actually almost legally impossible to remove Theia at this point*, it will still take the courts about 8 months to a year to deny the appeal, get it back down here, schedule everything and get her adopted as well. Fortunately, a homestudy is good for 2 years, so we won't have to get naked and jump through hoops again any time soon. ;-)

*She's been with us for over 6 months, by the time this gets anywhere it will have been over a year. Her birth mother doesn't visit, isn't participating in any kind of reunification plan, has had other children removed (Claudia and Joe) and we have adopted Theia's siblings, and no court is going to rule to reunify a child if it means separation from siblings (let alone the only parents she's ever actually known) that have already been bonded with.

So moving forward, the adoption signing for Claudia and Joe was set for September 8th, 2008 (yesterday as of this posting). What it means legally is that they are no longer foster children, their names are legally changed (claudia's school secretary was gracious enough to have me fill out all of her registration forms with her new name considering it was only 3 days into the school year, making our lives happy, and her job easier!) We technically answer to no one, they do have one visit with a social worker, but we no longer have to answer to our FFA (foster family agency) We have one last visit with our adoptions worker, from our adoption agency, filling out some final forms, but other than that, we wait for the court hearing, which should be scheduled soon to take place at the end of October, and after that day, when the judge awakens our new lives with the sound of his falling gavel, they'll be ours forever.

So although our ride is not exactly complete, at this point it feels like we're finally through most of the loops with just the few little hills at the bottom of the track, as we prepare to coast back into the station.