For many women I'm sure that's what they get. A few sleepless nights, maybe a colicky baby, but for the most part they have a blissful picturesque view of Motherhood that looks very reminiscent of a Thomas Kinkade painting. Cute little cottage with some fun little forest animals peering from the trees while soft smoke streams from the cobblestone chimney. Life is just this wonderful little existence with soft light and warm feelings. Happy little baby they get to dress and feed and play with in perfectly decorated nurseries.
This has definitely not been the case for me. For starters my road to Motherhood was not an easy one to begin with, considering it started with years of infertility. Those years lead to a choice to adopt, not one child, but three. A sibling set via foster care. At the time they came to our home they were 4 years, 3 years and 8weeks. They had all been through a lot, and we were not the first placement for the first two who had been taken from their parents almost a year prior. A good example of the raw and not-so-pictureseque reality is this story. Needless to say this particular view of Motherhood was not Mr. Kinkade's specialty. Not polished and glowing, but harsh, real and rough around the edges.
Years later I would have a biological child. Under very unideal circumstances, you can read what happened here. At the time this meant Motherhood to me was single parenting despite having a boyfriend, public assistance and a deranged ex. Not the material for which Kinkade has a technique.
Moving forward, the boyfriend and father of my biological child did become my husband. And with him he brought three stepkids to the family. Meaning now I have the holy trinity of Motherhood- Adoptive parent, Biological parent and Step parent. It is as if three universes are trying to coincide. Juggling the struggles that my older three kids have with accepting the choices their birth parents made, dealing with their adoptive dad (my ex) having his own parenting issues. Trying to help them establish a healthy relationship with my husband, and all the new kids involved. I'm very fortunate that they absolutely love their little 'half' brother, and my husband for that matter. There are the challenges of my own bio son just being a toddler. And of course balancing step parenting. Dealing with the mothers (there are two) of my step kids, making sure to maintain healthy boundaries without compromising a loving relationship.
Because of all of the extenuating circumstances, I have had to have so many 'hard conversations' with my kids. All I can say is that this woman absolutely sums up how difficult some of them have been in this video.
I will say my kids and I have had so many hard conversations, like the time in Yosemite I linked to above. Another one of them was when the youngest of my three older kids realized she was adopted as well. And all that that implied. Next was when I had to talk to them about how I was pregnant despite the explanation we had always given prior, that my 'tummy was broken" and that's why I didn't have tummy babies before. Then there was the conversation about how their adoptive father was not the father of my tummy baby. Then the talk about us getting a divorce. Me getting remarried. The talk about what Step siblings are.
Then there was the conversation about how their biomom has another child. Not only did she have a baby and lost her too, but she got her back. The conversation about how their bio mom finally got with her 'program' and fought to get her baby back, and is now parenting that child. Then sets in the reality that she had a chance, several in fact, to get her act together and work her program to get my kids back, but she didn't. But for that child she did.
And the painting of Motherhood in my life has gotten really raw, really dark and I am doing my best to keep as much hope in the picture as possible.
Looking into the future I know there will be more hard conversations. Motherhood for me will always be a battle to shelter my children's hearts while allowing them to know the truth. I already know there will be a day when my first bio child realizes that he is in fact a bio child, that the others are not, and that he's not blood related to my older three. That he is only a 'half sibling' to all the older ones in fact. That despite the fact that kids in our home call my husband and I 'mom and dad' that they are not all 'ours'. When he will realize that is why there are times when the others are not here. He will now have a younger sibling that has the same parents as he does. We are due in Feb 2014 and he will finally have someone who doesn't leave him for the weekend, who calls both of his parents 'mommy and daddy' as well and who has the same half siblings as he does.
I also know that there will be a day when I am asked to let my olders go see their biomom. There will be so many questions and I know for a fact they are not going to like the answers to all of them.
No, Motherhood for me will not be a 'happy little cottage' from Thomas Kinkade. It undoubtedly will be more along the lines of 'stormy lighthouse' like this.
That is not to say it is not beautiful. There are many other women who have similar, yet different, versions of their own less than idilic Motherhood. More challenging, more of those hard conversations, more of the raw emotion and the battles to protect our children. For those women who are happy cottages, they are the warm glowing home on the edge of a brook or meadow that their children run to in youthful bliss. For those of us who are these lighthouses in the storm, we are also a haven for our children, a glowing light to guide them, a place for them to stay safe from the harder childhood that life threw at them.
