someone in my position has two choices; acceptance or misery. i chose acceptance, i was not going to have kids. i lived my life with hope, of course. whether it was a scare with a boy friend or years of trying with a husband, it never happened but there was always that little hope. (although, no, i wouldn't have necessarily been thrilled about having a baby with any of the boyfriends for purely circumstantial reasons) after years of negative tests despite hopes and scares, my brain just accepted that my reproductive system was offline and wasn't operational. pretty much like the poor kid who just isn't coordinated enough to even offer a decent free-throw shot.
believe me it came as quite a shock when i found out i was pregnant in november of 2010. it didn't seem possible, like some cosmic joke. years of preventing, trying, preventing again, trying again, giving up and forgetting the dream all weighed heavy. i'd moved on, adopted 3 amazing kids and accepted my life. seeing that little pink line reminded me that i did in fact not only have the right 'parts' but that some how all systems had miraculously come online. ready or not a baby is coming.
initially- shock. secondly- panic. at the time i was separated from my husband and had just started living with our 3 children in a women's shelter for victims of domestic violence. the reality was that i had been having an affair and hadn't even had sex with my husband in over 4 months. narrowed down the paternity but certainly didn't eliminate any concerns.
i can't describe the feelings. possibly like being drafted to the NBA but only being able to play if you drown 3 kittens before every game. and if you don't play, the kittens will die anyway. as a near-miss abortion myself, and for other reasons, aborting the baby was not an option. period. i was going to have a baby regardless of how bad everything else might get. while part of me was excited for all the reasons being pregnant and the anticipation of having a baby naturally are, part of me knew when game time came, the kitties were gonna die. i wasn't going to be able to avoid direct questions about the affair, about being a single mom and now having a baby, about who-what-when, and of course "don't you know what condoms are for???". i was still married, my partner was married, there were kids on both sides, and "don't you know this makes jesus cry??".
first 12 weeks we told very few people. we knew no one would have a legitimate reason to be happy for us. and quite frankly, i knew that some possible responses would be something to the effect of "maybe you'll miscarry and this will all go away" or more brutally "hopefully it dies". also with the high potential of miscarriage i didn't want to hear "it's probably for the best". i wanted to be excited. i WAS excited. and it was easier to stay excited with my partner if we avoided a bunch of negative comments, after all, there'd be plenty later.
relatively speaking it was a healthy pregnancy. i was fortunate enough to start out at a very healthy weight for myself and although i gained more weight than i'd have liked while pregnant, it all ended up in a healthy range for both me and the baby. along the way we drew a lot more supporters than i ever thought possible. most notably my dad. his first comments were that he was really happy for me that i got to experience this and when i mentioned the timing being really bad all he had to say was "the timing is always bad, but could always be worse". and he was right. my sister's were all very supportive. it was really easy for them to focus on the baby and not so much the situation. my mom, however, was waiting with 3 kittens and a rain barrel.
"i'm not even going to pretend to be happy for you"
well, at least she was honest. she wasn't happy, not by a long shot. i drew a lot of criticism from a lot of different places and continued to draw support from the most unlikely. my kids were told when i was 17 weeks after an ultrasound established conclusively that i was pregnant, and with a baby NOT a jelly fish, and that he was in fact a boy. again, thunderous applause from the audience, ex husband waiting with a rain barrel and the kittens. unfortunately he has fostered an unhealthy relationship with our son (6 at the time) that made him feel compelled to run and tell him immediately. it felt like it was raining cats for a while.
primary task was focusing on the positive and staying healthy, moving into an apartment with my three kids and continuing to work. the night before 37 weeks i went into labor and, although it was not without its own drama, we got through it and had the baby. june 23, 2011 1:27 am. 6 lbs 4 oz, 19.5" 
"labor and delivery" is a story for another blog, so i won't go into it here, but as for bringing home baby, we made it to the playoffs. and for now, i think i may have filled my quota of kittens. the nay-sayers are fewer and far between. it's easier for people to focus on a baby and the miracle of life than to see the positive in a pregnant woman in my situation. sure it helps that the baby is more cute than a field of frolicking kittens as well. 
i love the baby just as i love my other kids. sure as an adoptive mom who's now had a biological child things are different but i believe it's in all good ways. i don't love my older children less, but rather more. their brother brings out newness in them and strengthens their relationships to each other and to me. every night our round of kisses and hugs is never complete if they don't share it with him as well. and although we're even more unorthodox than before, we are just as much a family. maybe we should adopt a kitten to celebrate.
