MAY DAY! MAY DAY!

so i'm just wondering if it's just my family or what, but when did we stop celebrating May Day? When i was a kid we would go through all this work to make little baskets full of candy and such an then go and leave it on someone's doorstep, ring the bell and RUN! the idea was that they were supposed to come out running after you to find out who left it. it was the most fun thing ever and it seems like no one i've met ever has any idea what i'm talking about when i tell them we did this.

has anyone else celebrated it this way?

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Memories

So the other day I was going through old pictures and I come across this one of the house I grew up in outside of Lincoln Nebraska. It was an old farm house on 13 acres of land, with another 13 or so open to ours from our neighbor. Around 3 acres was separated from the rest by a 100 year old tree line to the North and West, this was our immediate yard, meaning it was the part we had to mow and we played/ran around in. We had a pool, volleyball court, vegetable garden, expansive herb garden, picnic table and a really sweet club house, needless to say, we had a lot of space.

But most of you know I now live in Orange County California, which pretty much means everyone's homes are crowded and no one really has a yard. Certainly no one has huge tree lines or 3 acres of grass in their yard. Maybe the have a pool that takes up what small 'yard' they might have, or maybe just a gazebo. Where we are we have no yard, we just have a green strip which is really just a 2 1/2 foot wide glorified flower bed that goes around our house.

So I decide to show this photo to my kids thinking that they'll maybe find it interesting, maybe just think it looks weird, who knows, since they've grown up only in Southern California and probably haven't seen anything quite like it. I couldn't have underestimated their reaction more.

I show them the photo and say, "Look guys, this is the house I lived in when I was a little girl."

They both got really wide eyed and said almost in unison, "YOU LIVED IN THE PARK?! COOL!!!" It was really hysterical to have them think that because of all the space and trees it must be a park.

I talked to them about what it was like to live there. About having a pool, horses and other animals, a big tire swing and a hammock, lots of dogs and so many kids. They were so excited and kept going on and on about me living at the park and how neat that was. It was like I was their version of "Julie of the Wolves" growing up in this wild park. The excitement on their faces was astounding and I guess I just didn't want to ruin it for them; so I didn't tell them the truth. The truth that there are places in the world where boys and girls get to have huge trees to climb, swings, horses, swimming pools, least of all grass to run around on right in their own back yard. So I just laughed and said, "Yes, I guess I did live in the park."

As I went to a picnic today and I told this story to a friend, I looked around and realized that it looked strikingly like my yard in the photo, a tree line all the way around, with lots of grass and a picnic table off to the side. No wonder my kids think I lived at the park, that park alone easily could have had the tot-lot traded for my house in Photoshop and no one probably could tell the difference!

Of all the people I talk to that are California natives or at least "big city" natives, it never ceases to amaze me at how bizarre my life experiences must seem to them. I came from such a different world, living bare feet in fields of grass, riding bareback on horses, helping animals give birth, mowing a baseball field into our pasture during the summer so the neighbors can come over and we can all play ball. I was growing up in a country culture but with a big enough city near by that I didn't come out of it with a red neck. I can see as an adult how much those experiences and that environment played a role in who I would become and what I would value as an adult. That time, place and that way of life are still very much a part of me. My silliness, carefree attitude, love for the outdoors and of course, my aversion to shoes.

I look at that picture everyday now and when I think about where I am, how far away I am from home, and what I've left behind it makes me a new kind of lonely. Lonely not just for the simplicity I suppose, the "who cares when you got your last tetanus booster..." attitude but most of all just the "go forth and laugh out loud all the way" kind of fun where you make every moment count, and it sure does add up to a lot.

I look at the people around me and realize more and more that most of these people, if they knew my story, would probably agree with my kids, and it's probably true;

I did live in the park, and the park still lives in me.

My Big Butt

Alright, so I've officially decided to lose 35 pounds.  For those of you who don't know what a roller coaster my weight has been the past couple years, that may come as a shock.  

The history is that I was extremely skinny (yes, skinny, not thin) in high school.  I graduated at 5'6" weighing only 104 pounds with about 11% body fat.  Yeah, it was pretty 'concentration-camp-esque'.  Within a couple years I'd probably gained 10 pounds, which really didn't look like much.

After moving to San Diego and turning 20 and then 21 I really started to pack on some weight.  I got to maybe 140, which didn't look terrible, but was a drastic change from 104.  I lost 15 pounds pretty easily when I moved back to Lincoln, Ne in the spring of '02 kept the weight off mostly, and fluctuated only about 10 pounds up then down.  In the summer of '04 I was in phenomenal shape at about 135, riding my bike approximately 75 miles a week, eating really healthy and in general staying busy and active.

Then in July I got married to a psycho (that story is for another blog) and the next couple months lead to me leaving with post traumatic stress.  After meeting Darren, I moved back to California, this time Orange County, stopped riding my bike, was stuck inside for my job and wasn't very active and my weight sky-rocketed.  Getting remarried in October of '05 lead to all that 'happy newly wed weight' which I really wasn't happy about.  It's kind of been in check at times, increasing at others, but was never really going back down.  The next thing I knew the scale was at an all time high of 170.  Although no one would probably guess it's that high since I generally maintain a lot of muscle mass, it's really not a pretty sight.

It's hard when you're married with 3 kids to justify spending a bunch of time for yourself at the gym, but as of this past week I'm getting up at 4:45 (yes AM) to hit a spin class Mon, Wed, and Fri, I take a Lift class on Sat, Yoga Tues night and have gone back to really healthy (but do-able) eating habits.  I love my family too much to be too fat to spend quality time with them.

So off I go, and hopefully you'll be seeing less and less of me.

Bio Shmio

Well, Claudia and Joe's bio mom never showed for the visit on Monday.  Well, technically she never called to confirm that she would be there, which is the same to the courts as a no-show.  We hadn't told the kids yet since we knew that might be a possibility so we just took them to the park instead and they never knew the difference.  This does mean that she will NOT be getting a reschedule/make up visit.  The kids will just not ever see her again.

We will, however, have to figure out how we're going to tell the kids what is going on.  At some point we will have to tell them that they will not be seeing their "Tummy-Mommy" any more (and their dad too, but that's a different story).  I'm really not looking forward to that conversation.  I want to make sure that they know that it's not Darren and me saying they can't visit anymore, but based on their parent's choices the courts have made this decision.  I'm not sure if the kids understand what judges are, but I guess we'll have to talk about it.

I know some people think we tell our kids way too much, and that we offer too big of an explanation when we should just say "cause I say so", but I guess it's just my personal opinion that my kids aren't idiots and they deserve as much info as is possible and appropriate.  

I guess Darren and I have a lot to talk about still.  I hope it goes well, for those of you who pray, it would be nice if you said a few for us.

Thanks.

Good-bye

Well, tomorrow hasn't even come and it's already gotten my stomach up in knots.

At 1 p.m. we're supposed to be meeting Claudia and Joe's birth mom, Marisa, for a good-bye visit.  I have such mixed feelings about it.

We'd been notified by their former social worker that in the trial that terminated the parents' rights Marisa was awarded a visit so she could say good-bye.  Part of me is just pissed off.  Why visit now when she hasn't bothered to since before christmas?  And then it was only twice, and not for months before that!  

Every once in a while the kids will ask about her, tell me they miss her, or just tell me that they love her.  I always end up saying something like, "yeah, I know, she's just not making good choices right now."  They understand that, and they know that it's not that Darren and I won't let them see her.  There has even been a couple times when we've pulled up to a generic enough looking office building that they'll ask "oh, is my mommy in there?" all hopeful and innocent.  Of course, we feel horrible when we say, "no" and we watch the hope fall from their face as they realize that wasn't the surprise this time.

I suppose for that reason it will be good to have this visit.  Instead of just me saying one day, "by the way, you'll never see Marisa again." (not that I'd actually say it quite like that)  We'll get to tell them that the judge decided that she didn't try hard enough to make the right choices and that means she gets to see them one more time to say good-bye but then they won't be visiting any more.  After that, if there are generic office building incidents, we'll at least be able to say, "remember what the judge said?  she doesn't get to visit you any more" 

Hopefully some how this will help the kids to have closure.  I think it will be good for Darren too.  I was the one who monitored the couple visits the kids did have, so he's never met her.  In all honesty, Claudia will probably grow up to look just like her, and at least Darren will see what I mean when I say that.

I think part of me is just worried that she's going to try pulling a stunt like some of the horror stories I've heard.  Where she tries to tell the kids that she's the only one who really loves them and we'll never love them as much as she does and some how this is all our fault.  I'd hate to have her turn them against us in a moment like that.

Hopefully she'll kiss them, tell them she loves them, apologize in age appropriate terms and just say good-bye.

Anyway, that's just what's going on.