Good-bye

Well, tomorrow hasn't even come and it's already gotten my stomach up in knots.

At 1 p.m. we're supposed to be meeting Claudia and Joe's birth mom, Marisa, for a good-bye visit.  I have such mixed feelings about it.

We'd been notified by their former social worker that in the trial that terminated the parents' rights Marisa was awarded a visit so she could say good-bye.  Part of me is just pissed off.  Why visit now when she hasn't bothered to since before christmas?  And then it was only twice, and not for months before that!  

Every once in a while the kids will ask about her, tell me they miss her, or just tell me that they love her.  I always end up saying something like, "yeah, I know, she's just not making good choices right now."  They understand that, and they know that it's not that Darren and I won't let them see her.  There has even been a couple times when we've pulled up to a generic enough looking office building that they'll ask "oh, is my mommy in there?" all hopeful and innocent.  Of course, we feel horrible when we say, "no" and we watch the hope fall from their face as they realize that wasn't the surprise this time.

I suppose for that reason it will be good to have this visit.  Instead of just me saying one day, "by the way, you'll never see Marisa again." (not that I'd actually say it quite like that)  We'll get to tell them that the judge decided that she didn't try hard enough to make the right choices and that means she gets to see them one more time to say good-bye but then they won't be visiting any more.  After that, if there are generic office building incidents, we'll at least be able to say, "remember what the judge said?  she doesn't get to visit you any more" 

Hopefully some how this will help the kids to have closure.  I think it will be good for Darren too.  I was the one who monitored the couple visits the kids did have, so he's never met her.  In all honesty, Claudia will probably grow up to look just like her, and at least Darren will see what I mean when I say that.

I think part of me is just worried that she's going to try pulling a stunt like some of the horror stories I've heard.  Where she tries to tell the kids that she's the only one who really loves them and we'll never love them as much as she does and some how this is all our fault.  I'd hate to have her turn them against us in a moment like that.

Hopefully she'll kiss them, tell them she loves them, apologize in age appropriate terms and just say good-bye.

Anyway, that's just what's going on.