How to Make a Family Part II

The first dip in the track, building speed heading through our first spiral loop and Darren's forgotten his Dramamine.

Ok, so Darren and I had talked about kids before we got married. We knew we wanted some, 3, 4, maybe 5. We were both a little older when we got married, had been married before and in general just weren't idiots when we got married, so although we didn't want to have a baby immediately, we didn't want to wait forever either.

We knew coming into it that I had some sub-fertility issues. We decided that we would not do anything to prevent, since pregnancy would be unlikely to happen without help, and if it did, woo-hoo-surprise! We'd decided that if we were not pregnant after a year we'd pursue testing, which would include Darren as well. At least that way it wouldn't be years of work/tests/procedures on me to find out in the end it was him too.

It only took one test to find out that it was very much Darren as well. A couple more tests made it pretty conclusive that between the two of us it was more likely that we'd grow wings and fly than we'd make a baby, well at least naturally. We'd be great ICSI Invitro candidates, where they actually put the sperm in the egg, then put them in. Of course you're still running the risk that the embryo doesn't implant and all that. So when we weighed the costs, all the costs-emotional, time, financial etc.- we decided it wasn't what we were prepared to pursue.

Of course it was extremely hard. We cried, prayed and had a lot of talking to do. We had to completely reevaluate what a "family" really is and what having a 'family' really meant to us. I guess all I can say is that we went through all the options, keep trying, get fertility help, invitro, adopting from other countries, domestically, doing a Fos/Adopt (adopting a foster child with no chance they'll be reunited because their parent's right have already been terminated) and doing foster care as a family open to adoption. In the end money, of course, because a big determining factor.

We considered Invitro, but since we live in the 3rd most expensive housing market in the entire United States, we can hardly afford to buy a house let alone spend $30,000 on an 'attempt' to "make a baby"; and our desire to "make" a baby was heavily out weighed by the fact that we were not willing to let the costs of the process and potential failure rule/ruin our lives.

As genetics became less and less important we tried to figure out what really was important. What about the baby's time in utero? What about labor and delivery? What about infancy, sleepless nights, diapers, and everything else relating to a newborn? It seemed like every choice eliminated so much from the experience.

One by one we eliminated possibilities and eventually came to the conclusion that no matter where they'd been, how they got to us, how old they were, ethnic back ground, God makes families and some how it would work and He wouldn't give us what we couldn't handle.

We were at Fishfest (same christian festival we got engaged at, but 3 years later) when we walked by a booth for a Foster Family Agency, called Advantage. We talked for a while to the owner/director Mark and his wife Pam. All about what they do, how they/their agency works hard to reunify families and what it's like to be a foster parent. We filled out a questionnaire and within a week or so they'd sent us some more information.

After a lot of prayer and a lot more talking we decided that we really felt like God was leading us to become foster parents. We knew the risks, we knew that most of these kids don't stay forever and we knew it was going to be gut wrenching and painful to fall in love with these kids and have them go 'home' after a while. Our conclusion was that life is full of risks, I married Darren not knowing if he'd live another 50 years or not, and if he died 6 months, 6 years or 60 years after we'd married, no matter what, it would be worth it. No one is ever promised forever with their kids, ours was just going to be nearly the opposite, just short of being promised our kids would not stay forever.

We started our training with Advantage. It was great that at the time Darren and I both had work schedules that gave us Thursday mornings off, so it was then that Mark came to our home to do our trainings, all the regular required stuff to be a foster parents. Mark talked a lot about how Advantage as and agency really believes in working with the Bio-Parent to help them as much as possible to be reunified. They believe that the first goal should be to heal the family and avoid broken homes. He'd said that any family who does foster care long enough will eventually have an opportunity to adopt, but that it's not the norm for their agency and it should not be expected with in the first few years. The training went pretty fast (going through the county can take longer than 6 months just to do training, ours was about 6 weeks). (Towards the end we had to fill out a form stating what ethnicity/issues/ages we'd accept and with only a couple of exceptions regarding reasons for removal we were pretty open, any ethnicity, we'd prefer an infant but were open to zero-4 years and open to siblings). We'd started training in the beginning of September and finished in mid October. We handed in all our paper work, had our final walk through and were certified as foster parents on October 31, 2007.

At this point we're becoming slightly aware of the fact that there is another hill coming and our roller coaster car is charging forward.

How to Make a Family Part I

So it's been brought to my attention that i've yet to fully tell the story of my husband, my kids, and how our family was made. No time like the present. I'll start at the beginning, and since Darren is part of my family, I'll start with him.

In October/November of 2004 Darren and I met online on a 'meeting place' website. I know, I know; not exactly the 'boy meets girl, they exchange glances and love at first sight....' but that is how the story begins. (I was living in Lincoln, Ne again and he was living in Huntington Beach, CA.) He had suffered some pretty ugly mishaps dating people from online and was preparing to delete his account from the site. I'd had had a fiasco myself and before canceling my account was explaining it to a friend, showing him the site and all that, when Darren saw my profile and sent me a generic 'hey there' message. Well that day we said our hellos, we still canceled our memberships but started to IM on yahoo!chat periodically.

We chatted pretty much everyday, we each had webcams so we could also see each other. We talked on the phone a few times, but didn't really start talking a lot until the day before Thanksgiving. I'd been in a really bad car accident ($ bad, not injury bad) with my sister Kate. Since there were no injuries the police were taking their time and I had time to talk. After that we talked quite a bit everyday, mostly sitting in front of the computer/webcams. I can't say it was exactly like a dating, but it was way more than the Pony Express ever had to offer.

I went out to visit over New Year's Eve. We fell madly in love and while still there I started looking for a job as a nanny. I got a response from a resume the next day, left for home on Friday, Saturday had a phone interview, Sunday accepted the position and was packing my bags getting ready to drive cross country to move from Lincoln to Ladera Ranch (southern Orange County). Darren flew out the Friday after I'd left from my visit and we drove together back to OC. I moved into the family home I'd be working in and our life really began.

*At this point it's necessary to interject a subplot so you'll understand something later. Darren and I had started this thing when we were talking on the phone-pre-meeting-, although we knew we had feelings for each-other, we never wanted to say "I love you" over the phone before we met, and instead we'd say "I love the Jesus in you". We are both firm believers that the truly lovable parts are the parts that most reflect Christ in our lives anyway.*

Of course the engagement tale is romantic. We were at Fishfest, an all day christian music festival. We'd been working all morning for a friend who owns her own christian clothing line, we were building up her booth, getting things organized and pretty much just setting her up. Finally by afternoon we take a break and go listen to Toby Mac on the main stage. In the middle of a song Darren opens up his messenger bag and pulls out a brand new Ipod Mini still in the box. I was thrilled that he bought me this great gift but was loving the music so I told him I'd get it out later. He pestered me and was like 'No, you really need to open it now!" okay okay I thought. I opened it up (Ipods have a box that opens up like a book and you see the face of the Ipod) I was like "cool! silver metal, great can I listen to the concert now?" "NO, look at it!" sheesh this guy was persistent.

Well I take the Ipod out, turn it over in my hand and engraved on the back is "i love the Jesus in you, will you marry me?" my jaw drops and I look up to see darren getting down on one knee opening a really unique ring box with a gorgeous diamond ring inside. I look up and he's like 'yes?' "of course!" well obviously everyone around us is like "what's going on over there?" and when they figure it out they're all clapping and cheering. it was pretty cool. and we got to spend the rest of the day walking on air.

We planned a really low key wedding, only about 50 people, of which only 5 were our family members. In August we had taken a 10 day trip to Wisconsin (to meet his dad) and then to Boston/Lynn Mass to meet the rest of his family and friends. Our honeymoon was spent in Santa Barbara, we stayed at the Orchid Inn which is an amazing bed and breakfast. It was really amazing that so much had happened in almost exactly a year's time.

Little did we know that this was only the first hill on the roller coaster that was to define our lives.

retrospect

over the past few years i've thought, and i'm sure like most people, had some of those "what will be the significance of that relationship later on in life?" moments when i think about my relationship with brian. i'm sure God has a lot more reasons than i can think of, but one i'm sure of is getting to meet his parents, steve and linda. To date, they remain one of the most positive influences on my life. linda rebuked me when i needed it (which was a lot at the time) they were encouraging, supportive and very full of grace and love. they are really amazing people and were there for me in times when my own parents weren't and in ways my parents were never equipped to be. i'm always going to be thankful to for that.

i'm not so sure brian walked away with similar "i'm so thankful despite..." memories, but i'm sure God has a purpose.

i remember sitting with his brother matt and his wife alyssa one night in their basement and she made a comment about how they were all really shocked when brian and i started dating, that they never would have pictured him with someone like me, not that they didn't like me, but that the relationship was a big shocker. and that when they first met me they all assumed brian was trying to set me up with his roommate pat. in retrospect i suppose that should have told me a lot about how unmatched b and i are/were, but at the time i thought it was more of an 'opposites attract' thing.

again, in hind sight, i think brian and i shouldn't have dated in the first place, we'd have made much better friends. after we broke up we hung out as friends for a while and it just seemed to make so much more sense; of course those 'post breakup' friendships can't really last. and unfortunately i feel the worst part about breaking up is that it essentially ended my relationship with his parents as well. i'm not sure any wife would be thrilled to have her husband's ex-girl friend still close to her mother/father-in-law.

little water bug

so i often shower with thia, she really likes it and it's snuggle time. she'll play with the water as if falls on her and thinks it's so funny. so now that she's been sitting up so well for so long and does pretty well in the bath; the other day i finally took a bath with her.

we have a pretty big tub, one of those corner types that's not inside a shower. so we're in there, she's playing, she thinks it's hilarious and as i'm laying on my back, she's kinda kneeling next to me. suddenly she leans forward and lays her head on my chest being all snuggly. i started pouring some warm water over her back and within a minute she was sound asleep! and not just closing her eyes, it's passed-out-mouth-open-making-sleeping-noises kind of sleep. i just kept pouring warm water over her until the water wasn't warm anymore and i finally had to wake her so we could get out.

i'm really going to miss this cute cuddly stage she's in.

a scene to remember.

so i was at the koinonia (fellowship) dinner at our church tonight and i see a woman who looks really familiar. not really that big of a deal considering i've gone there for a long time and i recognize a lot of people i can't put names on.

this was particularly interesting though, because she seemed to think i looked familiar too and i noticed a few times she was looking at me.

so as i'm hurrying about my business of getting the kids set up with their tacos and making sure everything is just right, she catches my eye again, this time saying 'hi ash' and finally gets my full attention.

"it's kim.... you know, from Dr. Ford's office?"

OOHHHHH, now i get it. she's the nurse that always assists my doctor whenever i'm there (which was quite often a couple months ago, few times a week.)

anyway, i look at her and now that i realize who she is i say, "oh hi! i didn't recognize you with my clothes on!"

she laughed, i laughed and i'm sure the next time i'm in the Dr. Ford's office we'll both laugh again.