1994's Most Bizarre Suicide
Don Harper Mills
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Sciences, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story...
On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide. (He left a note indicating his despondency.) As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers, and that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit suicide because of this...
Ordinarily a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide, but the fact that his suicide intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands...
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded...
But further investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support, and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus...
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
safe spot
so of course as a mom i'm constantly faced with the reality that my kids are raising me. every day there are moments when i realize that i have to completely reevaluate everything i thought i knew about what is right and wrong. daily lessons about what grace means, what discipline really is, and what punishment should really look like.
lately i've been struggling with what to do when claudia's in trouble. i'm talking mostly about how things go when i ask her a 'hard' question. that means anything that is just hard for her to answer. whether it be because she doesn't know the answer, or she'll have to admit that she did something wrong and might be in trouble for it, and therefore, inclined to lie.
having grown up with a very intimidating, often abusive step-mom, i learned certain habits that helped me to feel more secure when dealing with her 'hard questions'. mostly it was to stay as far away when she was ticked so there'd be as little chance as possible that she could reach out and hit me.
in my dealings with claudia, i've found myself projecting my feelings of needing to 'feel safe' during our 'hard talks' . so from my experience, distance=security, so i've made sure that i have claudia sit on her bed, and i sit in the chair on the other side of the room. or i sit on the kitchen stool and have her stand on the other side of the kitchen. to me, this seems like it completely makes sense and i perceive it as "hey, i'm all the way over here and you're way over there so you know i'm not going to swing at you when you say the wrong thing"
so of course i'm dumbfounded when claudia continues to lie and bawl and seem just miserable when we're talking. i'm thinking 'sheesh, how much more safe do you need to feel?'
after a lot of thought and a lot of prayer i realized a bunch of things. first, claudia and i don't have a history of me hitting her. this might seem obvious and stupid, but i DO forget that that was the most important factor in my history. since i don't do that to claudia, she's not worried it's going to happen. she's not thinking "i'm glad she's too far away to reach me, that makes me feel better". the idea of me hitting her is like thinking about whether aliens would prefer milk duds or malted milk balls, irrelevant. i've come to realize that when i sit claudia on the other side of the room she's not seeing it as safety, she's seeing it as part of the punishment. in her eyes, since it's not a safety issue, she sees it as pushing her away and "mommy's so mad she doesn't even want to be near me right now, does that mean she doesn't love me anymore?"
when i'm asking her a hard question and i 'push her away', she's faced with 2 problems. #1-how do i make sure mommy will still love me? #2-how do i answer the hard question that started it? when faced with the possibility that answering #2 'wrong' or admitting she did something naughty might mean i don't love her, (which is obviously not a real possibility) she's thinking "say whatever you have to about #2 so that you can satisfy #1"
we had to have a sit down talk the other day about what's going on when she feels safe. what things make her feel good, what am i doing when she knows i love her, etc. my hope is that if i can create a very loving and safe environment for her when i'm asking her hard questions, she won't have to worry about losing my love, so she can focus on telling the truth and letting me help her fix whatever needs fixing. overwhelmingly her response was that she feels loved and safe when i'm hugging and smooching her (clearly the opposite of putting her on the other side of the room) of course i'm thinking to myself, "how on earth do i do that when she's just hit her sister in the eye with a barbie for the 19th time?!"
we decided that giving her that environment was still the right thing to do, even if she has done something really bad. we now call it the 'safe spot'. if we don't think to go there first she knows that as soon as we ask her something and she starts to feel scared, she can ask for the safe spot and we'll go sit down and hold her, rub her arms or whatever, give her some smooches and talk softly. all of that affirmation lets her know that we love her no matter what, and we just need to know what happened.
the first time we used the 'safe spot' she stood eye to eye with me while i sat on the stool, i rubbed her arms and just asked her to tell me the truth. she stood there silent and teary eyed for a while and i asked her why she wasn't talking.
'because i don't want to lie to you!'
'then tell me the truth, we're in the safe spot now'
then she proceeded to tell me the truth completely and without crying. it was amazing. even though i had to tell her what she did was wrong and we needed to go fix it, we were able to do it together and with love since she never had to worry about the love part at all. grace in the moment is really the only thing that lets us fix the problem without wounding her in the process.
it goes against everything in my nature to sit and be loving and smoochy on a little girl that just called her brother a "stupid poop head" but that's the grace we have to give her when we go to the safe spot to work these things out. and as we sit there, i'm reminded that when we take our sins to Christ, He doesn't shake His head, point His finger, or grab our arm and scream 'how could you...?!!! what were you thinking? why did you do this to me? didn't you know that was wrong? is your brain broken, did it fall out? how many times do i have to tell you no? don't you ever listen to me?" no, when we have the hard questions with Christ, He opens his loving arms and holds us, gives us grace in that moment and asks us just to tell the truth. and with His help we fix it, then we can move forward.
christians are often referred to as jars of clay, or earthen vessels, these pots God has made with His own hands which He pours His love and blessing into, that we in turn pour out onto others. most of us have been damaged along the way, that's just part of our fallen nature, some of us are damaged more than others, but in the end, we're all cracked pots (yes, even crack pots) as a broken vessel of God's love, i might not be able to hold as much as a 'less broken' one, and if i'm only able to hold and pour out one blessing, at least God's given me this grace to pour out on my kids. if this is the only part of God's love i teach them, i'll be happy. being handled with this grace and care, it'll mean in the end, that my kids grow to be less broken than i, and will be able to hold much more, and pour out much more than i could ever hope for. and all that God has planned.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Do You Hear What I Hear? Um, No.
Well, it's with uncertainty and sadness that I post this. More emphasis on the uncertainty, but sad all the same.
If you've read any of my Life posts, you'll remember that when I was little (0-6) I had chronic ear infections that left me profoundly deaf in my right ear. The past few years as an adult have seen a resurgence of ear infections (I've always gotten them, but I'm getting an unusually high number as an adult). Usually ear infections are a childhood illness that goes away once the Eustachian tubes mature, thicken, and become more vertical. (The Eustachian tube also drains mucus from the middle ear. Upper airway infections or allergies can cause the Eustachian tube to become swollen, trapping bacteria and causing ear infections. Earaches are more common in children because the tube is more horizontal and thinner, making the movement of fluid more difficult.)
Anyway. The infections have gotten progressively worse. Over the past couple years I've been getting them in both ears (in contrast to usually only getting them on the right side), and they've been having a much larger affect on the "good one". For the past few weeks I've had them in both ears, and it's been really screwing with my hearing in my "good ear". Much like being underwater, or at least having water stuck in your ear. I'm at the end of a course of several antibiotics, and it's still really messed up, meaning I'm going to probably have to see a new specialist, yet again, and potentially have surgery (this would be #5). There is of course the possibility that s/he could fix the problem, and recover hearing in the 'bad ear', but there is also a chance that irreparable damage is being done, and I'll end up losing both.
Yeah, complete restoration, or profound deafness in both ears; those are the prospects. I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it now, since I don't actually have all my thoughts together on the subject, either way. I guess I'll have to do some thinking/soul searching and post a part II
All I know is that I don't want to have to start thinking about the last time I hear my husband tell me he loves me with his voice, or my kids, or the rest of my family. The last time I hear the sound of rain, or thunder, or the breeze through the leaves, or waves crashing, children laughing, my husband whispering 'goodnight' or the other multitude of sounds that touch my ears, and heart, daily.
If you've read any of my Life posts, you'll remember that when I was little (0-6) I had chronic ear infections that left me profoundly deaf in my right ear. The past few years as an adult have seen a resurgence of ear infections (I've always gotten them, but I'm getting an unusually high number as an adult). Usually ear infections are a childhood illness that goes away once the Eustachian tubes mature, thicken, and become more vertical. (The Eustachian tube also drains mucus from the middle ear. Upper airway infections or allergies can cause the Eustachian tube to become swollen, trapping bacteria and causing ear infections. Earaches are more common in children because the tube is more horizontal and thinner, making the movement of fluid more difficult.)
Anyway. The infections have gotten progressively worse. Over the past couple years I've been getting them in both ears (in contrast to usually only getting them on the right side), and they've been having a much larger affect on the "good one". For the past few weeks I've had them in both ears, and it's been really screwing with my hearing in my "good ear". Much like being underwater, or at least having water stuck in your ear. I'm at the end of a course of several antibiotics, and it's still really messed up, meaning I'm going to probably have to see a new specialist, yet again, and potentially have surgery (this would be #5). There is of course the possibility that s/he could fix the problem, and recover hearing in the 'bad ear', but there is also a chance that irreparable damage is being done, and I'll end up losing both.
Yeah, complete restoration, or profound deafness in both ears; those are the prospects. I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it now, since I don't actually have all my thoughts together on the subject, either way. I guess I'll have to do some thinking/soul searching and post a part II
All I know is that I don't want to have to start thinking about the last time I hear my husband tell me he loves me with his voice, or my kids, or the rest of my family. The last time I hear the sound of rain, or thunder, or the breeze through the leaves, or waves crashing, children laughing, my husband whispering 'goodnight' or the other multitude of sounds that touch my ears, and heart, daily.
Tortoise and the Hare Revisited
This is brilliant, and not mine. My friend Jack Ratana posted this and it inspired me, so I in turn am posting it for you (with a couple of punctuation/spelling corrections which are not noted). I'm not sure if he wrote this himself, but regardless, "Cheers, Jack".
Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was faster .
They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race. He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep.
The tortoise plodding on overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ.
The hare woke up and realized that he'd lost the race.
The moral - "Slow and steady wins the race." This is the version of the story that we've all grown up with.
THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE
it continues as follows......
The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some soul-searching. He realized that he'd lost the race only because he had been overconfident, careless and lax. If he had not taken things for granted, there's no way the tortoise could have beaten him. So he challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed. This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to finish. He won by several miles.
The moral - " Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and steady. It's good to be slow and steady; but it's better to be fast and reliable."
THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE
The tortoise did some thinking this time, and realized that there's no way it can beat the hare in a race the way it was currently formatted.
It thought for a while, and then challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route. The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self-made commitment to be consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed until he came to a broad river. The finishing line was a couple of kilometers on the other side of the river.
The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise trundled along, got into the river, swam to the opposite bank, continued walking and finished the race.
The moral - "First identify your core competency and then change the
playing field to suit your core competency."
THE STORY STILL HASN'T ENDED
The hare and the tortoise, by this time, had become pretty good friends and they did some thinking together.
Both realized that the last race could have been run much better So they decided to do the last race again, but to run as a team this time.
They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the riverbank. There, the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on his back. On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense of satisfaction than they'd felt earlier.
The moral - "It's good to be individually brilliant and to have strong core competencies; but unless you're able to work in a team and harness each other's core competencies, you'll always perform below par because there will always be situations at which you'll do poorly and someone else does well.
Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership, letting the person with the relevant core competency for a situation take leadership. Note that neither the hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures. The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure. The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard as he could." In life, when faced with failure, sometimes it is appropriate to work
harder and put in more effort.
Sometimes it is appropriate to change strategy and try something different.
And sometimes it is appropriate to do both.
The hare and the tortoise also learned another vital lesson. When we stop competing against a rival and instead start competing against the situation, we perform far better.
Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was faster .
They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race. He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep.
The tortoise plodding on overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ.
The hare woke up and realized that he'd lost the race.
The moral - "Slow and steady wins the race." This is the version of the story that we've all grown up with.
THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE
it continues as follows......
The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some soul-searching. He realized that he'd lost the race only because he had been overconfident, careless and lax. If he had not taken things for granted, there's no way the tortoise could have beaten him. So he challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed. This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to finish. He won by several miles.
The moral - " Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and steady. It's good to be slow and steady; but it's better to be fast and reliable."
THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE
The tortoise did some thinking this time, and realized that there's no way it can beat the hare in a race the way it was currently formatted.
It thought for a while, and then challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route. The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self-made commitment to be consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed until he came to a broad river. The finishing line was a couple of kilometers on the other side of the river.
The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise trundled along, got into the river, swam to the opposite bank, continued walking and finished the race.
The moral - "First identify your core competency and then change the
playing field to suit your core competency."
THE STORY STILL HASN'T ENDED
The hare and the tortoise, by this time, had become pretty good friends and they did some thinking together.
Both realized that the last race could have been run much better So they decided to do the last race again, but to run as a team this time.
They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the riverbank. There, the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on his back. On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense of satisfaction than they'd felt earlier.
The moral - "It's good to be individually brilliant and to have strong core competencies; but unless you're able to work in a team and harness each other's core competencies, you'll always perform below par because there will always be situations at which you'll do poorly and someone else does well.
Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership, letting the person with the relevant core competency for a situation take leadership. Note that neither the hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures. The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure. The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard as he could." In life, when faced with failure, sometimes it is appropriate to work
harder and put in more effort.
Sometimes it is appropriate to change strategy and try something different.
And sometimes it is appropriate to do both.
The hare and the tortoise also learned another vital lesson. When we stop competing against a rival and instead start competing against the situation, we perform far better.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
All Hallows Eve
So this past Halloween marked the first of the "Seconds" for our family. And by that I mean, up until now, all of the holidays, trips, events, and other annual occasions, had always been the first time we'd done them together as a family. We'd had Claudia and Joe on an over night stay just before their placement last year over Halloween, so this was the first annual event that we'd already done once before. It was really fantastic to think back over the past year and how far we've come, grown, learned and changed.
So this year, Claudia was a Princess (not a Disney one, just Princess Claudia for the evening) and Joe was a Cowboy. Darren had to order Joe's guns (cap guns) online since apparently it's not PC to sell any sort of toy resembling a gun anymore. How sad. And Theia was a monkey, it was so fitting, and when we picked out the outfit in the store and she tried it on, she instantly started laughing and jumping around so we knew it was the one for her. These are a just a couple photos of them from the beginning of the evening.
Claudia's hair was done in a French Braid, starting off center at the base of her skull, braiding up and around her head in a crown. (after all a woman's hair is her crown right?) She loved it, or I should say she loved when I was finished. About half way through she moans "AND WE'RE NOT EVEN DONE YET! SIGH!!" It was very funny, but she knew it would be worth it, and everyone who saw her that night ooohhh'd and ahhhh'd over her hair and reinforced that she'd made the right choice by suffering through the process. Here are a couple photos of the finished result.
Early in the evening we lost Joe, fortunately we did get him back, but for the most part that's how the evening was. He was off doing his Cowboy stuff and we just kinda let him be. Theia was a wreck pretty much all day. We'd been at church since 11 am and the event didn't start until 6 pm. She slept a couple times for about 30 minutes in her stroller, but as any mom of a 12 month old knows, that didn't help much. Needless to say, by 9 pm she was one pooped monkey! Here's a photo of her as she got too tired to fight being in the stroller.
All in all it was fantastic. The kids had a blast and no naps aside, it couldn't have gone much better.
So this year, Claudia was a Princess (not a Disney one, just Princess Claudia for the evening) and Joe was a Cowboy. Darren had to order Joe's guns (cap guns) online since apparently it's not PC to sell any sort of toy resembling a gun anymore. How sad. And Theia was a monkey, it was so fitting, and when we picked out the outfit in the store and she tried it on, she instantly started laughing and jumping around so we knew it was the one for her. These are a just a couple photos of them from the beginning of the evening.
Claudia's hair was done in a French Braid, starting off center at the base of her skull, braiding up and around her head in a crown. (after all a woman's hair is her crown right?) She loved it, or I should say she loved when I was finished. About half way through she moans "AND WE'RE NOT EVEN DONE YET! SIGH!!" It was very funny, but she knew it would be worth it, and everyone who saw her that night ooohhh'd and ahhhh'd over her hair and reinforced that she'd made the right choice by suffering through the process. Here are a couple photos of the finished result.
Early in the evening we lost Joe, fortunately we did get him back, but for the most part that's how the evening was. He was off doing his Cowboy stuff and we just kinda let him be. Theia was a wreck pretty much all day. We'd been at church since 11 am and the event didn't start until 6 pm. She slept a couple times for about 30 minutes in her stroller, but as any mom of a 12 month old knows, that didn't help much. Needless to say, by 9 pm she was one pooped monkey! Here's a photo of her as she got too tired to fight being in the stroller.
All in all it was fantastic. The kids had a blast and no naps aside, it couldn't have gone much better.
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