Well, it's with uncertainty and sadness that I post this. More emphasis on the uncertainty, but sad all the same.
If you've read any of my Life posts, you'll remember that when I was little (0-6) I had chronic ear infections that left me profoundly deaf in my right ear. The past few years as an adult have seen a resurgence of ear infections (I've always gotten them, but I'm getting an unusually high number as an adult). Usually ear infections are a childhood illness that goes away once the Eustachian tubes mature, thicken, and become more vertical. (The Eustachian tube also drains mucus from the middle ear. Upper airway infections or allergies can cause the Eustachian tube to become swollen, trapping bacteria and causing ear infections. Earaches are more common in children because the tube is more horizontal and thinner, making the movement of fluid more difficult.)
Anyway. The infections have gotten progressively worse. Over the past couple years I've been getting them in both ears (in contrast to usually only getting them on the right side), and they've been having a much larger affect on the "good one". For the past few weeks I've had them in both ears, and it's been really screwing with my hearing in my "good ear". Much like being underwater, or at least having water stuck in your ear. I'm at the end of a course of several antibiotics, and it's still really messed up, meaning I'm going to probably have to see a new specialist, yet again, and potentially have surgery (this would be #5). There is of course the possibility that s/he could fix the problem, and recover hearing in the 'bad ear', but there is also a chance that irreparable damage is being done, and I'll end up losing both.
Yeah, complete restoration, or profound deafness in both ears; those are the prospects. I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it now, since I don't actually have all my thoughts together on the subject, either way. I guess I'll have to do some thinking/soul searching and post a part II
All I know is that I don't want to have to start thinking about the last time I hear my husband tell me he loves me with his voice, or my kids, or the rest of my family. The last time I hear the sound of rain, or thunder, or the breeze through the leaves, or waves crashing, children laughing, my husband whispering 'goodnight' or the other multitude of sounds that touch my ears, and heart, daily.
Showing posts with label lifes rollercoasters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lifes rollercoasters. Show all posts
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
How to Make a Family Part V
As we pull forward, slowly gaining momentum, rushing right side up again, we speed into our Adoption Homestudy.
Now up until this point we'd thought that our Foster Care Homestudy was pretty intense, but we were about to find out that there is no such thing as "privacy" when it comes to adoption. They want to know everything about you, what you like, what you don't like, do you like travel, reading, religion, science, cooking, cultural experiences, festivals, trade shows, politics, talk radio, if you're into art, if you like music, if listening to music while you look at art makes you think about that one time when you were 3 and your mom called you inside for lunch but you fell and scraped your knee and cried and the neighbor kids laughed at you and it made you so embarrassed that you yelled at your mom and promised you'd never cry again as long as you lived, never, never, never?
Yeah, it's pretty crazy. They wanted to know how your parents disciplined you, how you felt about it when they did, if you wanted to be like them, if not, how you get along with them now, about what they taught you about God, love, sex, dreams, jobs, grass, foot stools, toad stools, bowel stools. Heck, they wanted to know everything about everything that has anything or nothing to do with anything or nothing you might ever think about or not think about and if you don't think about it why don't you?, and if you think about what it's like to not think about it does it make you want to think about it? or try it? or eat it? or smell it? or steal it? or give it away? or just cry? And if you do cry about it or not, how does that make you feel?
Are you getting the point yet? It's insanely intense for no other reason (that I can surmise) than to put you through a psychological wringer to find out if you'll still be sane once you're done.
The reality is that they do ask about your childhood, if it was happy, if you're happy now, etc. They want to know if you're screwed up because of how your parents raised you, if not, if you're screwed up because of something else instead, and if you're parents did do a bad job, if you'll be able to do better. What characteristics you have versus your husband/spouse, how you work together, how you feel about each other, how you feel about your feelings for each other, how your relationship is to your family, their family, whether or not your family will be accepting of an adopted child. Yes, they DID ask about our sex life, if we're 'conservative', passionate, prude, deviant, what we're going to teach our kids about homosexuality, if we're going to promote abstinence, and all that. How your previous relationships were, if they were healthy, if not why?
I think they may have even asked our favorite color in all of that mess.
So, at this point we're starting to feel like "Man I hope these kids are worth it!". Of course, they are. But you do start to wonder why some average Joe and Jane who don't even know each other can go out and screw each other one night after leaving the bar drunk and make a baby and have a child, but we've got to get naked and jump through fiery hoops of barbwire in front of the world while juggling our hearts riding a unicycle blindfolded to adopt one.
We did finish the homestudy, but of course now can't look our adoptions' worker in the eye without turning red. (ok, not really, she is pretty awesome) The hearing in August was to update the court that we'd finished our homestudy and were still going to adopt. We were assigned an attorney and after completing the paperwork, had a signing date set.
During this time, the birth dad had gone into default regarding Theia, which means he's forever the alleged dad, but would never have rights since he never came forward (making her adoption easier for us in the long run) and the birth mom had one visit with her in April that she showed for. On July 24th, the termination hearing came, and rights were terminated. At that time the birth mom was granted a 'good bye' visit which she did schedule and attend. It was nice to see her one last time and get to see her again (at least I got a few more questions answered, and I know Theia will never remember it and it didn't have any negative impact on her to be there, so I wasn't concerned for her. And, no, I did not take the other kids.)
The birth mom's attorney did put in an appeal this time, so due to how long it takes just to get things done, even though it's actually almost legally impossible to remove Theia at this point*, it will still take the courts about 8 months to a year to deny the appeal, get it back down here, schedule everything and get her adopted as well. Fortunately, a homestudy is good for 2 years, so we won't have to get naked and jump through hoops again any time soon. ;-)
Now up until this point we'd thought that our Foster Care Homestudy was pretty intense, but we were about to find out that there is no such thing as "privacy" when it comes to adoption. They want to know everything about you, what you like, what you don't like, do you like travel, reading, religion, science, cooking, cultural experiences, festivals, trade shows, politics, talk radio, if you're into art, if you like music, if listening to music while you look at art makes you think about that one time when you were 3 and your mom called you inside for lunch but you fell and scraped your knee and cried and the neighbor kids laughed at you and it made you so embarrassed that you yelled at your mom and promised you'd never cry again as long as you lived, never, never, never?
Yeah, it's pretty crazy. They wanted to know how your parents disciplined you, how you felt about it when they did, if you wanted to be like them, if not, how you get along with them now, about what they taught you about God, love, sex, dreams, jobs, grass, foot stools, toad stools, bowel stools. Heck, they wanted to know everything about everything that has anything or nothing to do with anything or nothing you might ever think about or not think about and if you don't think about it why don't you?, and if you think about what it's like to not think about it does it make you want to think about it? or try it? or eat it? or smell it? or steal it? or give it away? or just cry? And if you do cry about it or not, how does that make you feel?
Are you getting the point yet? It's insanely intense for no other reason (that I can surmise) than to put you through a psychological wringer to find out if you'll still be sane once you're done.
The reality is that they do ask about your childhood, if it was happy, if you're happy now, etc. They want to know if you're screwed up because of how your parents raised you, if not, if you're screwed up because of something else instead, and if you're parents did do a bad job, if you'll be able to do better. What characteristics you have versus your husband/spouse, how you work together, how you feel about each other, how you feel about your feelings for each other, how your relationship is to your family, their family, whether or not your family will be accepting of an adopted child. Yes, they DID ask about our sex life, if we're 'conservative', passionate, prude, deviant, what we're going to teach our kids about homosexuality, if we're going to promote abstinence, and all that. How your previous relationships were, if they were healthy, if not why?
I think they may have even asked our favorite color in all of that mess.
So, at this point we're starting to feel like "Man I hope these kids are worth it!". Of course, they are. But you do start to wonder why some average Joe and Jane who don't even know each other can go out and screw each other one night after leaving the bar drunk and make a baby and have a child, but we've got to get naked and jump through fiery hoops of barbwire in front of the world while juggling our hearts riding a unicycle blindfolded to adopt one.
We did finish the homestudy, but of course now can't look our adoptions' worker in the eye without turning red. (ok, not really, she is pretty awesome) The hearing in August was to update the court that we'd finished our homestudy and were still going to adopt. We were assigned an attorney and after completing the paperwork, had a signing date set.
During this time, the birth dad had gone into default regarding Theia, which means he's forever the alleged dad, but would never have rights since he never came forward (making her adoption easier for us in the long run) and the birth mom had one visit with her in April that she showed for. On July 24th, the termination hearing came, and rights were terminated. At that time the birth mom was granted a 'good bye' visit which she did schedule and attend. It was nice to see her one last time and get to see her again (at least I got a few more questions answered, and I know Theia will never remember it and it didn't have any negative impact on her to be there, so I wasn't concerned for her. And, no, I did not take the other kids.)
The birth mom's attorney did put in an appeal this time, so due to how long it takes just to get things done, even though it's actually almost legally impossible to remove Theia at this point*, it will still take the courts about 8 months to a year to deny the appeal, get it back down here, schedule everything and get her adopted as well. Fortunately, a homestudy is good for 2 years, so we won't have to get naked and jump through hoops again any time soon. ;-)
*She's been with us for over 6 months, by the time this gets anywhere it will have been over a year. Her birth mother doesn't visit, isn't participating in any kind of reunification plan, has had other children removed (Claudia and Joe) and we have adopted Theia's siblings, and no court is going to rule to reunify a child if it means separation from siblings (let alone the only parents she's ever actually known) that have already been bonded with.
So moving forward, the adoption signing for Claudia and Joe was set for September 8th, 2008 (yesterday as of this posting). What it means legally is that they are no longer foster children, their names are legally changed (claudia's school secretary was gracious enough to have me fill out all of her registration forms with her new name considering it was only 3 days into the school year, making our lives happy, and her job easier!) We technically answer to no one, they do have one visit with a social worker, but we no longer have to answer to our FFA (foster family agency) We have one last visit with our adoptions worker, from our adoption agency, filling out some final forms, but other than that, we wait for the court hearing, which should be scheduled soon to take place at the end of October, and after that day, when the judge awakens our new lives with the sound of his falling gavel, they'll be ours forever.
So although our ride is not exactly complete, at this point it feels like we're finally through most of the loops with just the few little hills at the bottom of the track, as we prepare to coast back into the station.
So although our ride is not exactly complete, at this point it feels like we're finally through most of the loops with just the few little hills at the bottom of the track, as we prepare to coast back into the station.
How to Make a Family Part IV
So as we spiral forward into Christmas, moving, New Year's and Life, things got really crazy really fast, and there was definitely no getting off the ride at this point.
Claudia and Joe hadn't seen their mom for a couple months or more, and then it had only been once in the several months prior to that. Once the baby arrived and the birth mom no longer had to be in hiding, she did request visits. Theia came December 6th, and the soonest one could be arranged and scheduled was for December 18th-ish. She came to that visit, saw all 3 kids for an hour or so, then had another one that Friday the 22nd. Asked if she'd be allowed to bring presents the following week, if we'd still meet on Monday considering it was Christmas Eve, blah blah blah. The visit was interesting, she seemed more like an aunt or cousin to the kids, there was certainly some connection and she seemed involved enough with the kids, but it never seemed like what you'd expect from a 'mother'. That "I'd Fight Off Bears for You" sense of love. She was supposed to visit Christmas eve, but never showed and never saw Claudia and Joe again. Never.
During this time an investigational Social Worker was working through the case and birth mother's history to write a report as to what she thought should happen with the baby, i.e. immediately reunify (give baby right back) reunification services, no services, file to terminate, etc... All of that was going to be presented at the trial which was to take place at the end of January. Needless to say, not visiting again didn't bode well for her.
Christmas was amazing. My parents, and sister were great and sent presents and goodies for the kids, and the magnitude of all the stuff they got between us, them and all the social workers, and agency affiliated 'Santa's Closet' type stuff, was so over whelming that it certainly made up for 3 and 4 years worth of worthless Christmases.
Theia was growing fast, and we were trying to adjust to life with a baby, which much to my embarrassment was WAY harder than I thought it was going to be (10 years of being a nanny/child care provider/licensed-home-Child-Care-owner went right out the window!) Mommy Brain at 3 am is not just a funny term but literally debilitating.
Anyway. Christmas and New Year's came and went and we waited for Theia's trial. The end of January came and birth mom didn't even appear in court. As is required if the parent isn't present, the judge automatically rules according to the recommendation of the social worker, which in this case after no visits, no contact and complete lack of cooperation, was to file to terminate rights and offer no reunification services. (She would have been able to go out and do counseling, rehab, anger management, etc. on her own and it would have showed intent to change, which if she could have proven it, would have been relevant at the actual termination hearing set to take place May 27th-ish, but clearly that was not going to happen.) So they filed to terminate her rights, and again we'd wait. This time until the end of May (the mandatory 120 days from filing until the hearing can be held.)
The following month, February of 2008, brought the end of the 120 day wait on the rights termination filing for Claudia and Joe. At the hearing, in light of all that the mother was not doing, and the dad had agreed, rights were terminated and the kids were freed for adoption. The parents technically had 60 days to appeal this decision (the same way a person sentenced to the death penalty gets to appeal, it might be approved or denied) but they didn't appeal. This meant that we were going to be assigned an adoption agency, would be starting our adoption homestudy, and would be getting ready to adopt the kids by/around the end of the summer/early fall.
During this new time of waiting (yes, there is a lot of clock watching, calendar flipping, and nail biting that goes on quite a bit during this whole process) the social worker that did all the investigation stuff, does not continue with a case after trial, it's not her job to follow up. The case is transferred to one of two types of workers, a Continuing worker (if the plan is to reunite) or an Adoptions worker if rights are to be terminated. Since normal parents show up to trial, they learn right then that their rights are to be terminated. But because birth mom and birth dad didn't show (FYI birth dad denies he's the father even now although it's extremely unlikely to be anyone else), the social workers are required to go through several means of communication to notify them (clearly they need to know this is going to happen to be given a chance to do something about it.) I've never been told exactly who, but somebody dropped the ball and didn't notify mom properly (she never kept a working number, doesn't have a permanent address and has no stable relatives) so anyway. There is a hearing half way through the waiting period on the termination (this one fell in mid/late April), where the sole purpose is to make sure that the notification was done properly, and they discovered that it was not, so they had to start that whole process over, filing for termination over again, and resetting the clock on the 120 days. UGH.
So off we go into a upward spiral again, getting thrown for a loop for sure watching stuff fly out of our pockets as we come to a slowing point while upside down. At this point, stomachs in our throats, we're all about to puke, at the very least, we have all our blood rushing to our heads making thinking extremely difficult.
Claudia and Joe hadn't seen their mom for a couple months or more, and then it had only been once in the several months prior to that. Once the baby arrived and the birth mom no longer had to be in hiding, she did request visits. Theia came December 6th, and the soonest one could be arranged and scheduled was for December 18th-ish. She came to that visit, saw all 3 kids for an hour or so, then had another one that Friday the 22nd. Asked if she'd be allowed to bring presents the following week, if we'd still meet on Monday considering it was Christmas Eve, blah blah blah. The visit was interesting, she seemed more like an aunt or cousin to the kids, there was certainly some connection and she seemed involved enough with the kids, but it never seemed like what you'd expect from a 'mother'. That "I'd Fight Off Bears for You" sense of love. She was supposed to visit Christmas eve, but never showed and never saw Claudia and Joe again. Never.
During this time an investigational Social Worker was working through the case and birth mother's history to write a report as to what she thought should happen with the baby, i.e. immediately reunify (give baby right back) reunification services, no services, file to terminate, etc... All of that was going to be presented at the trial which was to take place at the end of January. Needless to say, not visiting again didn't bode well for her.
Christmas was amazing. My parents, and sister were great and sent presents and goodies for the kids, and the magnitude of all the stuff they got between us, them and all the social workers, and agency affiliated 'Santa's Closet' type stuff, was so over whelming that it certainly made up for 3 and 4 years worth of worthless Christmases.
Theia was growing fast, and we were trying to adjust to life with a baby, which much to my embarrassment was WAY harder than I thought it was going to be (10 years of being a nanny/child care provider/licensed-home-Child-Care-owner went right out the window!) Mommy Brain at 3 am is not just a funny term but literally debilitating.
Anyway. Christmas and New Year's came and went and we waited for Theia's trial. The end of January came and birth mom didn't even appear in court. As is required if the parent isn't present, the judge automatically rules according to the recommendation of the social worker, which in this case after no visits, no contact and complete lack of cooperation, was to file to terminate rights and offer no reunification services. (She would have been able to go out and do counseling, rehab, anger management, etc. on her own and it would have showed intent to change, which if she could have proven it, would have been relevant at the actual termination hearing set to take place May 27th-ish, but clearly that was not going to happen.) So they filed to terminate her rights, and again we'd wait. This time until the end of May (the mandatory 120 days from filing until the hearing can be held.)
The following month, February of 2008, brought the end of the 120 day wait on the rights termination filing for Claudia and Joe. At the hearing, in light of all that the mother was not doing, and the dad had agreed, rights were terminated and the kids were freed for adoption. The parents technically had 60 days to appeal this decision (the same way a person sentenced to the death penalty gets to appeal, it might be approved or denied) but they didn't appeal. This meant that we were going to be assigned an adoption agency, would be starting our adoption homestudy, and would be getting ready to adopt the kids by/around the end of the summer/early fall.
During this new time of waiting (yes, there is a lot of clock watching, calendar flipping, and nail biting that goes on quite a bit during this whole process) the social worker that did all the investigation stuff, does not continue with a case after trial, it's not her job to follow up. The case is transferred to one of two types of workers, a Continuing worker (if the plan is to reunite) or an Adoptions worker if rights are to be terminated. Since normal parents show up to trial, they learn right then that their rights are to be terminated. But because birth mom and birth dad didn't show (FYI birth dad denies he's the father even now although it's extremely unlikely to be anyone else), the social workers are required to go through several means of communication to notify them (clearly they need to know this is going to happen to be given a chance to do something about it.) I've never been told exactly who, but somebody dropped the ball and didn't notify mom properly (she never kept a working number, doesn't have a permanent address and has no stable relatives) so anyway. There is a hearing half way through the waiting period on the termination (this one fell in mid/late April), where the sole purpose is to make sure that the notification was done properly, and they discovered that it was not, so they had to start that whole process over, filing for termination over again, and resetting the clock on the 120 days. UGH.
So off we go into a upward spiral again, getting thrown for a loop for sure watching stuff fly out of our pockets as we come to a slowing point while upside down. At this point, stomachs in our throats, we're all about to puke, at the very least, we have all our blood rushing to our heads making thinking extremely difficult.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
How to Make a Family Part III
Zooming down the hill and rounding the next turn at break-neck-speed...
It's the end of October, our certification was being wrapped up we got a call about a potential placement. At first they told us Boy 4, Girl 3 living in an Emergency Shelter Home (ESH) for 60 days (typical ESH placement should not exceed 30 days) they'd been in an extended family member's home for 10 months prior to that. We asked for more info and the placement worker called. Correct information was Girl 4, Boy 3, pregnant bio-mom, therefore, potential placement of infant to follow. They were still in the reunification process but they were looking for a family open to adoption as a back up plan since the bio-mom was pretty flaky and the bio-dad was faltering. We were pretty shocked, we knew that day would come but to actually get a call was still a strange feeling. We said we wanted to move forward and a meeting was set up.
The meeting was scheduled for a couple days later (Darren and I couldn't stop thinking about them the whole time and constantly felt like we were in a dream) The kids bounced into the Burger King meeting and Darren and I both suffered a bad case of Love at First Sight. Claudia was Little Miss Chatter Box from the first minute and Joe sat right down with Darren and was really interested in what he was doing. I sat down with the ESH mom and Mark to talk about the kids and what their lives were like, they'd been in the system for almost a year and what that had meant for them. At this point she also let us know that the bio-mom had actually already had the baby but was in hiding. Darren bought the kids some food and sat with them just talking, playing and watching them.
The ESH mom told me about how the kids treated each other. She said Joe was a real piece of work that would have raging tantrums 20 times a day that would last way to long and he'd be inconsolable, he was mean to other kids, wasn't potty trained (he'd just turned 3) how she wasn't going to even try potty training him since she just 'knew' he'd regress once he moved again. She went on about how they fought and hurt each other, hurt other kids, broke toys, pulled hair, cried, how Joe was insanely possessive of Claudia, never letting anyone else touch her or play with her and was pretty much always naughty and basically just went on and on about all these negative things about them. I guess God gave me some rose colored glasses for the moment because when I looked at them all I saw were beautiful babies that really needed love, and had a tremendous potential for love. They sat with Darren in the booth chatting and playing with the BK toys for over an hour (yes, they SAT).
We left feeling like we had an amazing opportunity to love these kids for a while and that we'd love them as much and as hard as we could for as long as we had them. Even if it was only for 6 months.
We asked to have an over night with the kids so we could spend more time with them and they could spend more time with us. Halloween was just around the corner, it was on a Wednesday that year, and I had already taken the day off to help Darren with the event we host at church. We got the kids Tuesday night, had them Wednesday and took them back Thursday morning (remember neither of us worked Thursday mornings). From the first minute in our house we were completely confused. Where was the crazed tantrum boy who always wanted to hurt his sister? Where was the fighting? Where was the complete lack of social ability in both of them? From the beginning they flourished in our house. I don't think it's because Darren and I are amazing miracle workers, it probably had more to do with the fact that they got one on one with us and the ESH mom was a single mom, very obese with a day care, her other foster kids, some kids she'd adopted and a house that was so cluttered with junk that social workers feel compelled to include that point in their reports about her house.
It was so hard to take them back. After a couple days of amazing fun and loving them already it was painful to have to take them back to that Burger King and leave them with that ESH mom. They seemed so sad as well.
I'd been working as a nanny, so when we got the green light and we accepted the kids I gave my 2 week notice. My boss was ticked but that's a whole other story.
We decided to take the kids when my 2 weeks was over since we didn't have any other way to take care of them during the day. After the first couple days we broke down, called the social workers and begged to have the kids come ASAP. We wrapped everything up and got them November 6th, 6 days after our certification went through. We juggled the kids between us while I finished out my job. Mostly they went with Darren to work (God bless our church for being so understanding and looking the other way while Darren got absolutely no work done in that time).
As my job ended and I started my life as a stay at home mom. With in a week of the kids arrival we received some court documents stating that the kids' parent's rights were being terminated and we were being asked to adopt them. At this point we were like 'what the heck? what happened to Mark's statement of 'eventually but not likely'?"
We agreed and started working with the social workers on the adoption process. Most of it would have to wait until the hearing actually occurred, which was scheduled for February. During this time Darren and I started talking about moving. We were living in a 2 bedroom home and although the kids were allowed to share a room, once Claudia turned 5 they wouldn't be able to anymore. That gave us a year, but we didn't want to paint ourselves into a corner by waiting too long. So we decided to move, actually finding a 3 bedroom place in our same complex. 2 weeks after the kids came, we put in our notice to move, 2 weeks later, (a month to the day since the kids arrived) we got the call that the baby had been located and removed from her mother and we were being asked to take her. It was December 6th.
I happened to talk to a girl friend who's son was a couple days from turning 1, so she still had her infant carrier, but had already bought her forward facing carseat. She came over with a ton of baby necessities and we got ready for baby. She came that evening and everyone was awestruck. She was beautiful, Claudia showed her her new bed, Joe kissed her head and we all gathered around as Daddy got to be the first to feed her.
We were about to move, Christmas was coming, we suddenly have 3 kids and our lives careening forward so fast, spinning upwards as the first loop sends us all upside down, but in that moment when you're falling you feel weightless and just enjoy the ride.
It's the end of October, our certification was being wrapped up we got a call about a potential placement. At first they told us Boy 4, Girl 3 living in an Emergency Shelter Home (ESH) for 60 days (typical ESH placement should not exceed 30 days) they'd been in an extended family member's home for 10 months prior to that. We asked for more info and the placement worker called. Correct information was Girl 4, Boy 3, pregnant bio-mom, therefore, potential placement of infant to follow. They were still in the reunification process but they were looking for a family open to adoption as a back up plan since the bio-mom was pretty flaky and the bio-dad was faltering. We were pretty shocked, we knew that day would come but to actually get a call was still a strange feeling. We said we wanted to move forward and a meeting was set up.
The meeting was scheduled for a couple days later (Darren and I couldn't stop thinking about them the whole time and constantly felt like we were in a dream) The kids bounced into the Burger King meeting and Darren and I both suffered a bad case of Love at First Sight. Claudia was Little Miss Chatter Box from the first minute and Joe sat right down with Darren and was really interested in what he was doing. I sat down with the ESH mom and Mark to talk about the kids and what their lives were like, they'd been in the system for almost a year and what that had meant for them. At this point she also let us know that the bio-mom had actually already had the baby but was in hiding. Darren bought the kids some food and sat with them just talking, playing and watching them.
The ESH mom told me about how the kids treated each other. She said Joe was a real piece of work that would have raging tantrums 20 times a day that would last way to long and he'd be inconsolable, he was mean to other kids, wasn't potty trained (he'd just turned 3) how she wasn't going to even try potty training him since she just 'knew' he'd regress once he moved again. She went on about how they fought and hurt each other, hurt other kids, broke toys, pulled hair, cried, how Joe was insanely possessive of Claudia, never letting anyone else touch her or play with her and was pretty much always naughty and basically just went on and on about all these negative things about them. I guess God gave me some rose colored glasses for the moment because when I looked at them all I saw were beautiful babies that really needed love, and had a tremendous potential for love. They sat with Darren in the booth chatting and playing with the BK toys for over an hour (yes, they SAT).
We left feeling like we had an amazing opportunity to love these kids for a while and that we'd love them as much and as hard as we could for as long as we had them. Even if it was only for 6 months.
We asked to have an over night with the kids so we could spend more time with them and they could spend more time with us. Halloween was just around the corner, it was on a Wednesday that year, and I had already taken the day off to help Darren with the event we host at church. We got the kids Tuesday night, had them Wednesday and took them back Thursday morning (remember neither of us worked Thursday mornings). From the first minute in our house we were completely confused. Where was the crazed tantrum boy who always wanted to hurt his sister? Where was the fighting? Where was the complete lack of social ability in both of them? From the beginning they flourished in our house. I don't think it's because Darren and I are amazing miracle workers, it probably had more to do with the fact that they got one on one with us and the ESH mom was a single mom, very obese with a day care, her other foster kids, some kids she'd adopted and a house that was so cluttered with junk that social workers feel compelled to include that point in their reports about her house.
It was so hard to take them back. After a couple days of amazing fun and loving them already it was painful to have to take them back to that Burger King and leave them with that ESH mom. They seemed so sad as well.
I'd been working as a nanny, so when we got the green light and we accepted the kids I gave my 2 week notice. My boss was ticked but that's a whole other story.
We decided to take the kids when my 2 weeks was over since we didn't have any other way to take care of them during the day. After the first couple days we broke down, called the social workers and begged to have the kids come ASAP. We wrapped everything up and got them November 6th, 6 days after our certification went through. We juggled the kids between us while I finished out my job. Mostly they went with Darren to work (God bless our church for being so understanding and looking the other way while Darren got absolutely no work done in that time).
As my job ended and I started my life as a stay at home mom. With in a week of the kids arrival we received some court documents stating that the kids' parent's rights were being terminated and we were being asked to adopt them. At this point we were like 'what the heck? what happened to Mark's statement of 'eventually but not likely'?"
We agreed and started working with the social workers on the adoption process. Most of it would have to wait until the hearing actually occurred, which was scheduled for February. During this time Darren and I started talking about moving. We were living in a 2 bedroom home and although the kids were allowed to share a room, once Claudia turned 5 they wouldn't be able to anymore. That gave us a year, but we didn't want to paint ourselves into a corner by waiting too long. So we decided to move, actually finding a 3 bedroom place in our same complex. 2 weeks after the kids came, we put in our notice to move, 2 weeks later, (a month to the day since the kids arrived) we got the call that the baby had been located and removed from her mother and we were being asked to take her. It was December 6th.
I happened to talk to a girl friend who's son was a couple days from turning 1, so she still had her infant carrier, but had already bought her forward facing carseat. She came over with a ton of baby necessities and we got ready for baby. She came that evening and everyone was awestruck. She was beautiful, Claudia showed her her new bed, Joe kissed her head and we all gathered around as Daddy got to be the first to feed her.
We were about to move, Christmas was coming, we suddenly have 3 kids and our lives careening forward so fast, spinning upwards as the first loop sends us all upside down, but in that moment when you're falling you feel weightless and just enjoy the ride.
How to Make a Family Part II
The first dip in the track, building speed heading through our first spiral loop and Darren's forgotten his Dramamine.
Ok, so Darren and I had talked about kids before we got married. We knew we wanted some, 3, 4, maybe 5. We were both a little older when we got married, had been married before and in general just weren't idiots when we got married, so although we didn't want to have a baby immediately, we didn't want to wait forever either.
We knew coming into it that I had some sub-fertility issues. We decided that we would not do anything to prevent, since pregnancy would be unlikely to happen without help, and if it did, woo-hoo-surprise! We'd decided that if we were not pregnant after a year we'd pursue testing, which would include Darren as well. At least that way it wouldn't be years of work/tests/procedures on me to find out in the end it was him too.
It only took one test to find out that it was very much Darren as well. A couple more tests made it pretty conclusive that between the two of us it was more likely that we'd grow wings and fly than we'd make a baby, well at least naturally. We'd be great ICSI Invitro candidates, where they actually put the sperm in the egg, then put them in. Of course you're still running the risk that the embryo doesn't implant and all that. So when we weighed the costs, all the costs-emotional, time, financial etc.- we decided it wasn't what we were prepared to pursue.
Of course it was extremely hard. We cried, prayed and had a lot of talking to do. We had to completely reevaluate what a "family" really is and what having a 'family' really meant to us. I guess all I can say is that we went through all the options, keep trying, get fertility help, invitro, adopting from other countries, domestically, doing a Fos/Adopt (adopting a foster child with no chance they'll be reunited because their parent's right have already been terminated) and doing foster care as a family open to adoption. In the end money, of course, because a big determining factor.
We considered Invitro, but since we live in the 3rd most expensive housing market in the entire United States, we can hardly afford to buy a house let alone spend $30,000 on an 'attempt' to "make a baby"; and our desire to "make" a baby was heavily out weighed by the fact that we were not willing to let the costs of the process and potential failure rule/ruin our lives.
As genetics became less and less important we tried to figure out what really was important. What about the baby's time in utero? What about labor and delivery? What about infancy, sleepless nights, diapers, and everything else relating to a newborn? It seemed like every choice eliminated so much from the experience.
One by one we eliminated possibilities and eventually came to the conclusion that no matter where they'd been, how they got to us, how old they were, ethnic back ground, God makes families and some how it would work and He wouldn't give us what we couldn't handle.
We were at Fishfest (same christian festival we got engaged at, but 3 years later) when we walked by a booth for a Foster Family Agency, called Advantage. We talked for a while to the owner/director Mark and his wife Pam. All about what they do, how they/their agency works hard to reunify families and what it's like to be a foster parent. We filled out a questionnaire and within a week or so they'd sent us some more information.
After a lot of prayer and a lot more talking we decided that we really felt like God was leading us to become foster parents. We knew the risks, we knew that most of these kids don't stay forever and we knew it was going to be gut wrenching and painful to fall in love with these kids and have them go 'home' after a while. Our conclusion was that life is full of risks, I married Darren not knowing if he'd live another 50 years or not, and if he died 6 months, 6 years or 60 years after we'd married, no matter what, it would be worth it. No one is ever promised forever with their kids, ours was just going to be nearly the opposite, just short of being promised our kids would not stay forever.
We started our training with Advantage. It was great that at the time Darren and I both had work schedules that gave us Thursday mornings off, so it was then that Mark came to our home to do our trainings, all the regular required stuff to be a foster parents. Mark talked a lot about how Advantage as and agency really believes in working with the Bio-Parent to help them as much as possible to be reunified. They believe that the first goal should be to heal the family and avoid broken homes. He'd said that any family who does foster care long enough will eventually have an opportunity to adopt, but that it's not the norm for their agency and it should not be expected with in the first few years. The training went pretty fast (going through the county can take longer than 6 months just to do training, ours was about 6 weeks). (Towards the end we had to fill out a form stating what ethnicity/issues/ages we'd accept and with only a couple of exceptions regarding reasons for removal we were pretty open, any ethnicity, we'd prefer an infant but were open to zero-4 years and open to siblings). We'd started training in the beginning of September and finished in mid October. We handed in all our paper work, had our final walk through and were certified as foster parents on October 31, 2007.
At this point we're becoming slightly aware of the fact that there is another hill coming and our roller coaster car is charging forward.
Ok, so Darren and I had talked about kids before we got married. We knew we wanted some, 3, 4, maybe 5. We were both a little older when we got married, had been married before and in general just weren't idiots when we got married, so although we didn't want to have a baby immediately, we didn't want to wait forever either.
We knew coming into it that I had some sub-fertility issues. We decided that we would not do anything to prevent, since pregnancy would be unlikely to happen without help, and if it did, woo-hoo-surprise! We'd decided that if we were not pregnant after a year we'd pursue testing, which would include Darren as well. At least that way it wouldn't be years of work/tests/procedures on me to find out in the end it was him too.
It only took one test to find out that it was very much Darren as well. A couple more tests made it pretty conclusive that between the two of us it was more likely that we'd grow wings and fly than we'd make a baby, well at least naturally. We'd be great ICSI Invitro candidates, where they actually put the sperm in the egg, then put them in. Of course you're still running the risk that the embryo doesn't implant and all that. So when we weighed the costs, all the costs-emotional, time, financial etc.- we decided it wasn't what we were prepared to pursue.
Of course it was extremely hard. We cried, prayed and had a lot of talking to do. We had to completely reevaluate what a "family" really is and what having a 'family' really meant to us. I guess all I can say is that we went through all the options, keep trying, get fertility help, invitro, adopting from other countries, domestically, doing a Fos/Adopt (adopting a foster child with no chance they'll be reunited because their parent's right have already been terminated) and doing foster care as a family open to adoption. In the end money, of course, because a big determining factor.
We considered Invitro, but since we live in the 3rd most expensive housing market in the entire United States, we can hardly afford to buy a house let alone spend $30,000 on an 'attempt' to "make a baby"; and our desire to "make" a baby was heavily out weighed by the fact that we were not willing to let the costs of the process and potential failure rule/ruin our lives.
As genetics became less and less important we tried to figure out what really was important. What about the baby's time in utero? What about labor and delivery? What about infancy, sleepless nights, diapers, and everything else relating to a newborn? It seemed like every choice eliminated so much from the experience.
One by one we eliminated possibilities and eventually came to the conclusion that no matter where they'd been, how they got to us, how old they were, ethnic back ground, God makes families and some how it would work and He wouldn't give us what we couldn't handle.
We were at Fishfest (same christian festival we got engaged at, but 3 years later) when we walked by a booth for a Foster Family Agency, called Advantage. We talked for a while to the owner/director Mark and his wife Pam. All about what they do, how they/their agency works hard to reunify families and what it's like to be a foster parent. We filled out a questionnaire and within a week or so they'd sent us some more information.
After a lot of prayer and a lot more talking we decided that we really felt like God was leading us to become foster parents. We knew the risks, we knew that most of these kids don't stay forever and we knew it was going to be gut wrenching and painful to fall in love with these kids and have them go 'home' after a while. Our conclusion was that life is full of risks, I married Darren not knowing if he'd live another 50 years or not, and if he died 6 months, 6 years or 60 years after we'd married, no matter what, it would be worth it. No one is ever promised forever with their kids, ours was just going to be nearly the opposite, just short of being promised our kids would not stay forever.
We started our training with Advantage. It was great that at the time Darren and I both had work schedules that gave us Thursday mornings off, so it was then that Mark came to our home to do our trainings, all the regular required stuff to be a foster parents. Mark talked a lot about how Advantage as and agency really believes in working with the Bio-Parent to help them as much as possible to be reunified. They believe that the first goal should be to heal the family and avoid broken homes. He'd said that any family who does foster care long enough will eventually have an opportunity to adopt, but that it's not the norm for their agency and it should not be expected with in the first few years. The training went pretty fast (going through the county can take longer than 6 months just to do training, ours was about 6 weeks). (Towards the end we had to fill out a form stating what ethnicity/issues/ages we'd accept and with only a couple of exceptions regarding reasons for removal we were pretty open, any ethnicity, we'd prefer an infant but were open to zero-4 years and open to siblings). We'd started training in the beginning of September and finished in mid October. We handed in all our paper work, had our final walk through and were certified as foster parents on October 31, 2007.
At this point we're becoming slightly aware of the fact that there is another hill coming and our roller coaster car is charging forward.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
How to Make a Family Part I
So it's been brought to my attention that i've yet to fully tell the story of my husband, my kids, and how our family was made. No time like the present. I'll start at the beginning, and since Darren is part of my family, I'll start with him.
In October/November of 2004 Darren and I met online on a 'meeting place' website. I know, I know; not exactly the 'boy meets girl, they exchange glances and love at first sight....' but that is how the story begins. (I was living in Lincoln, Ne again and he was living in Huntington Beach, CA.) He had suffered some pretty ugly mishaps dating people from online and was preparing to delete his account from the site. I'd had had a fiasco myself and before canceling my account was explaining it to a friend, showing him the site and all that, when Darren saw my profile and sent me a generic 'hey there' message. Well that day we said our hellos, we still canceled our memberships but started to IM on yahoo!chat periodically.
We chatted pretty much everyday, we each had webcams so we could also see each other. We talked on the phone a few times, but didn't really start talking a lot until the day before Thanksgiving. I'd been in a really bad car accident ($ bad, not injury bad) with my sister Kate. Since there were no injuries the police were taking their time and I had time to talk. After that we talked quite a bit everyday, mostly sitting in front of the computer/webcams. I can't say it was exactly like a dating, but it was way more than the Pony Express ever had to offer.
I went out to visit over New Year's Eve. We fell madly in love and while still there I started looking for a job as a nanny. I got a response from a resume the next day, left for home on Friday, Saturday had a phone interview, Sunday accepted the position and was packing my bags getting ready to drive cross country to move from Lincoln to Ladera Ranch (southern Orange County). Darren flew out the Friday after I'd left from my visit and we drove together back to OC. I moved into the family home I'd be working in and our life really began.
*At this point it's necessary to interject a subplot so you'll understand something later. Darren and I had started this thing when we were talking on the phone-pre-meeting-, although we knew we had feelings for each-other, we never wanted to say "I love you" over the phone before we met, and instead we'd say "I love the Jesus in you". We are both firm believers that the truly lovable parts are the parts that most reflect Christ in our lives anyway.*
Of course the engagement tale is romantic. We were at Fishfest, an all day christian music festival. We'd been working all morning for a friend who owns her own christian clothing line, we were building up her booth, getting things organized and pretty much just setting her up. Finally by afternoon we take a break and go listen to Toby Mac on the main stage. In the middle of a song Darren opens up his messenger bag and pulls out a brand new Ipod Mini still in the box. I was thrilled that he bought me this great gift but was loving the music so I told him I'd get it out later. He pestered me and was like 'No, you really need to open it now!" okay okay I thought. I opened it up (Ipods have a box that opens up like a book and you see the face of the Ipod) I was like "cool! silver metal, great can I listen to the concert now?" "NO, look at it!" sheesh this guy was persistent.
Well I take the Ipod out, turn it over in my hand and engraved on the back is "i love the Jesus in you, will you marry me?" my jaw drops and I look up to see darren getting down on one knee opening a really unique ring box with a gorgeous diamond ring inside. I look up and he's like 'yes?' "of course!" well obviously everyone around us is like "what's going on over there?" and when they figure it out they're all clapping and cheering. it was pretty cool. and we got to spend the rest of the day walking on air.
We planned a really low key wedding, only about 50 people, of which only 5 were our family members. In August we had taken a 10 day trip to Wisconsin (to meet his dad) and then to Boston/Lynn Mass to meet the rest of his family and friends. Our honeymoon was spent in Santa Barbara, we stayed at the Orchid Inn which is an amazing bed and breakfast. It was really amazing that so much had happened in almost exactly a year's time.
Little did we know that this was only the first hill on the roller coaster that was to define our lives.
In October/November of 2004 Darren and I met online on a 'meeting place' website. I know, I know; not exactly the 'boy meets girl, they exchange glances and love at first sight....' but that is how the story begins. (I was living in Lincoln, Ne again and he was living in Huntington Beach, CA.) He had suffered some pretty ugly mishaps dating people from online and was preparing to delete his account from the site. I'd had had a fiasco myself and before canceling my account was explaining it to a friend, showing him the site and all that, when Darren saw my profile and sent me a generic 'hey there' message. Well that day we said our hellos, we still canceled our memberships but started to IM on yahoo!chat periodically.
We chatted pretty much everyday, we each had webcams so we could also see each other. We talked on the phone a few times, but didn't really start talking a lot until the day before Thanksgiving. I'd been in a really bad car accident ($ bad, not injury bad) with my sister Kate. Since there were no injuries the police were taking their time and I had time to talk. After that we talked quite a bit everyday, mostly sitting in front of the computer/webcams. I can't say it was exactly like a dating, but it was way more than the Pony Express ever had to offer.
I went out to visit over New Year's Eve. We fell madly in love and while still there I started looking for a job as a nanny. I got a response from a resume the next day, left for home on Friday, Saturday had a phone interview, Sunday accepted the position and was packing my bags getting ready to drive cross country to move from Lincoln to Ladera Ranch (southern Orange County). Darren flew out the Friday after I'd left from my visit and we drove together back to OC. I moved into the family home I'd be working in and our life really began.
*At this point it's necessary to interject a subplot so you'll understand something later. Darren and I had started this thing when we were talking on the phone-pre-meeting-, although we knew we had feelings for each-other, we never wanted to say "I love you" over the phone before we met, and instead we'd say "I love the Jesus in you". We are both firm believers that the truly lovable parts are the parts that most reflect Christ in our lives anyway.*
Of course the engagement tale is romantic. We were at Fishfest, an all day christian music festival. We'd been working all morning for a friend who owns her own christian clothing line, we were building up her booth, getting things organized and pretty much just setting her up. Finally by afternoon we take a break and go listen to Toby Mac on the main stage. In the middle of a song Darren opens up his messenger bag and pulls out a brand new Ipod Mini still in the box. I was thrilled that he bought me this great gift but was loving the music so I told him I'd get it out later. He pestered me and was like 'No, you really need to open it now!" okay okay I thought. I opened it up (Ipods have a box that opens up like a book and you see the face of the Ipod) I was like "cool! silver metal, great can I listen to the concert now?" "NO, look at it!" sheesh this guy was persistent.
Well I take the Ipod out, turn it over in my hand and engraved on the back is "i love the Jesus in you, will you marry me?" my jaw drops and I look up to see darren getting down on one knee opening a really unique ring box with a gorgeous diamond ring inside. I look up and he's like 'yes?' "of course!" well obviously everyone around us is like "what's going on over there?" and when they figure it out they're all clapping and cheering. it was pretty cool. and we got to spend the rest of the day walking on air.
We planned a really low key wedding, only about 50 people, of which only 5 were our family members. In August we had taken a 10 day trip to Wisconsin (to meet his dad) and then to Boston/Lynn Mass to meet the rest of his family and friends. Our honeymoon was spent in Santa Barbara, we stayed at the Orchid Inn which is an amazing bed and breakfast. It was really amazing that so much had happened in almost exactly a year's time.
Little did we know that this was only the first hill on the roller coaster that was to define our lives.
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