lately i've been struggling with what to do when claudia's in trouble. i'm talking mostly about how things go when i ask her a 'hard' question. that means anything that is just hard for her to answer. whether it be because she doesn't know the answer, or she'll have to admit that she did something wrong and might be in trouble for it, and therefore, inclined to lie.
having grown up with a very intimidating, often abusive step-mom, i learned certain habits that helped me to feel more secure when dealing with her 'hard questions'. mostly it was to stay as far away when she was ticked so there'd be as little chance as possible that she could reach out and hit me.
in my dealings with claudia, i've found myself projecting my feelings of needing to 'feel safe' during our 'hard talks' . so from my experience, distance=security, so i've made sure that i have claudia sit on her bed, and i sit in the chair on the other side of the room. or i sit on the kitchen stool and have her stand on the other side of the kitchen. to me, this seems like it completely makes sense and i perceive it as "hey, i'm all the way over here and you're way over there so you know i'm not going to swing at you when you say the wrong thing"
so of course i'm dumbfounded when claudia continues to lie and bawl and seem just miserable when we're talking. i'm thinking 'sheesh, how much more safe do you need to feel?'
after a lot of thought and a lot of prayer i realized a bunch of things. first, claudia and i don't have a history of me hitting her. this might seem obvious and stupid, but i DO forget that that was the most important factor in my history. since i don't do that to claudia, she's not worried it's going to happen. she's not thinking "i'm glad she's too far away to reach me, that makes me feel better". the idea of me hitting her is like thinking about whether aliens would prefer milk duds or malted milk balls, irrelevant. i've come to realize that when i sit claudia on the other side of the room she's not seeing it as safety, she's seeing it as part of the punishment. in her eyes, since it's not a safety issue, she sees it as pushing her away and "mommy's so mad she doesn't even want to be near me right now, does that mean she doesn't love me anymore?"
when i'm asking her a hard question and i 'push her away', she's faced with 2 problems. #1-how do i make sure mommy will still love me? #2-how do i answer the hard question that started it? when faced with the possibility that answering #2 'wrong' or admitting she did something naughty might mean i don't love her, (which is obviously not a real possibility) she's thinking "say whatever you have to about #2 so that you can satisfy #1"
we had to have a sit down talk the other day about what's going on when she feels safe. what things make her feel good, what am i doing when she knows i love her, etc. my hope is that if i can create a very loving and safe environment for her when i'm asking her hard questions, she won't have to worry about losing my love, so she can focus on telling the truth and letting me help her fix whatever needs fixing. overwhelmingly her response was that she feels loved and safe when i'm hugging and smooching her (clearly the opposite of putting her on the other side of the room) of course i'm thinking to myself, "how on earth do i do that when she's just hit her sister in the eye with a barbie for the 19th time?!"
we decided that giving her that environment was still the right thing to do, even if she has done something really bad. we now call it the 'safe spot'. if we don't think to go there first she knows that as soon as we ask her something and she starts to feel scared, she can ask for the safe spot and we'll go sit down and hold her, rub her arms or whatever, give her some smooches and talk softly. all of that affirmation lets her know that we love her no matter what, and we just need to know what happened.
the first time we used the 'safe spot' she stood eye to eye with me while i sat on the stool, i rubbed her arms and just asked her to tell me the truth. she stood there silent and teary eyed for a while and i asked her why she wasn't talking.
'because i don't want to lie to you!'
'then tell me the truth, we're in the safe spot now'
then she proceeded to tell me the truth completely and without crying. it was amazing. even though i had to tell her what she did was wrong and we needed to go fix it, we were able to do it together and with love since she never had to worry about the love part at all. grace in the moment is really the only thing that lets us fix the problem without wounding her in the process.
it goes against everything in my nature to sit and be loving and smoochy on a little girl that just called her brother a "stupid poop head" but that's the grace we have to give her when we go to the safe spot to work these things out. and as we sit there, i'm reminded that when we take our sins to Christ, He doesn't shake His head, point His finger, or grab our arm and scream 'how could you...?!!! what were you thinking? why did you do this to me? didn't you know that was wrong? is your brain broken, did it fall out? how many times do i have to tell you no? don't you ever listen to me?" no, when we have the hard questions with Christ, He opens his loving arms and holds us, gives us grace in that moment and asks us just to tell the truth. and with His help we fix it, then we can move forward.
christians are often referred to as jars of clay, or earthen vessels, these pots God has made with His own hands which He pours His love and blessing into, that we in turn pour out onto others. most of us have been damaged along the way, that's just part of our fallen nature, some of us are damaged more than others, but in the end, we're all cracked pots (yes, even crack pots) as a broken vessel of God's love, i might not be able to hold as much as a 'less broken' one, and if i'm only able to hold and pour out one blessing, at least God's given me this grace to pour out on my kids. if this is the only part of God's love i teach them, i'll be happy. being handled with this grace and care, it'll mean in the end, that my kids grow to be less broken than i, and will be able to hold much more, and pour out much more than i could ever hope for. and all that God has planned.
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