connections

there is a movie called 'the forgotten' with the tag line "You'll Never Forget The Ones You Love". the movie essentially deals with this idea that aliens are using us as guinea pigs and their particular experiment is to measure the connection between parents and children by basically snatching the kids and wiping the memories of the parents. then they observe whether or not there is something left behind, some sort of 'love residue' that is outside the mind, some connection beyond.

anyway, when i saw this movie a few years ago i really liked it. i liked the idea that there is something real behind what we call love, something more than just ephemeral emotions that wax and wane, something real, tangible, that can be weighed or measured somehow. maybe it's because i've always struggled with really understanding my own feelings most of the time. i'm really horrible at labeling them properly and i'm sure sometimes when i'm feeling something, if i asked i'd totally call it something else. so this idea, that there is something completely objective and concrete between people is extremely appealing to me.

for example, i have, at best, a mediocre relationship with my mom. she doesn't understand me, and i'm sure i look down on her a bit for being weak. not that i don't totally love her though, i do, so much and i would defend her if she needed it and would go to the ends of the earth for her. which is the weird part, we barely look like we even like eachother, but somehow there is this connection between us. at this point i should mention that i didn't grow up with her, my dad had custody and i only visited her. that said, it makes sense that we're not close, but begs the question, why would i fight off bears for her? most people just shrug and say 'cuz she's your mom, she gave birth to you and you owe her.' alright, well i suppose from a sociological standpoint that makes sense, most people in any culture believe that you should do anything for your mom. but beyond that, the love part. my mom and i have had a really rough road and i'd have to say she's in the top 5 of people who've caused me the most pain in my life. but maybe that's everyone. get close enough to one person and on a long enough time line they're eventually going to hurt you. anyway, i just find it interesting.

so that all said, back to the idea behind this movie. i do think that there is something there, clearly some otherly real connection that just having emotions about someone. but i have no clue what it is. i suppose if the aliens didn't figure it out then we probably won't either. but i probably won't stop thinking about it.

this whole idea, the premise of the film, has taken on a whole new meaning for me as an adoptive mom. i've basically realized that everyone i know is in one of two camps, 'your kids are your kids no matter how they got there' and 'oh, so you didn't actually make them?'. maybe those two aren't actually as clear as i'd like them to be, but essentially there are people who just whole heartedly accept that adopted children are equal heirs to love and this child-parent supernatural bond, and others who don't but probably wouldn't openly admit it.

i personally am in neither camp. i know cop out on my part. i do think there is something to be said for genetics, and physically growing a child within you. (sorry men, i haven't figured out how to address you yet.) but i also know that there is a whole super reality that happens when you adopt kids. i haven't given birth to any kids, so i don't know what that experience, or being pregnant, or looking into eyes like mine, or any of those things is like or if it changes anything anyway. i don't know if that makes a difference as to whether or not you have that supernatural connection.

i do know that the minute i saw my oldest daughter bounce into the room the first time i met her i knew i already loved her. following closely behind was my son, and one look into his eyes and i knew i'd never look away.

some people call it luck that my kids actually look like me, or so they say. they don't. people look for what they want to see. i have black hair, and so does my son, my daughters actually have lighter brown hair. my eyes are a weird hazel/brown and theirs are the color of mexican hot chocolate. they are after all hispanic, and have completely different features and color than me. but some how it makes other people feel better to pretend like they look close enough to me that i could have made them. like some how that means we can be closer, or some how feel more related. that's total crap by the way, after all, my mom has fair skin, blue eyes and blond hair.

so anyway, i think i might be rambling, but that's just what i was thinking about today. what difference it makes whether you make babies, or get them. there isn't a right or wrong answer, and i'm sure it's not the same for everyone. but i know for me, well, let's just say i'd fight off bears for my kids, go to the ends of the earth for them, and in general want to deck just about anybody who implies that i'm some how less of a mom because mine grew in my heart, not my belly.