so just the other day, i'm walking down the street and pass this woman on the sidewalk. i look at her for a moment taking in her tattered layers of rags, gnarled hair and dirt streaked face, and in the instant we make eye contact- an eternity passes. her eyes, with wrinkles etched deep, shaping bags seemingly holding dark pools of ink- surrounding eyes sunken and grey, speak of a life she lived ages ago; possibly a life with a husband, 3 kids and a miniature poodle who never really learned to stop peeing on the rug by her youngest son's bedroom door. a family full of love and silliness, bursting with dreams and tears shared.
yet something over came them and along the line of broken bones, broken promises, and in the end broken dreams, something has left this woman with only a shell of her self to remind her of the rise and fall of hope in her life, like a tide, pulling her out to a dark sea of despair. a life which in her current mental state, lost, afraid, and frantic, she can barely even remember, only shadows like ghosts, which haunt her and bring nothing but the pain of her life that died, and forgot to take her with it.
and as we pass by, the air around her feels dead, like the eye of a storm, silent, still, lifeless, sucking the joy out of all that comes near her, like a black hole she's created for herself, to protect herself from letting anyone ever want to come close to her again. her moat of disgust preventing anyone from breaking into her fortress of pain so that she'll never again put herself at risk to love, to feel, to want, and therefore, never again suffer loss, hurt, or disappointment. sadly, it's really just her way of letting her heart be dead while she waits for her body to catch up.
though it brings the risk of pain and loss; living with hope, passion and love is, indeed, Heaven, and she's chosen instead, to live in Hell.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Leaving on a Jet Plane
Alright, so by now I'm sure you've all heard that the Croteau family is indeed moving, to an enchanted land, far far away.
Ok, so not so enchanted, but certainly far away. We'll be moving to a small town just outside of Lincoln, NE, called Holland. (you see, if I'd said we were moving to Holland half of you would have said "The Netherlands?!" which would be cool, but is not the case)
I've gotten a lot of questions about "why?!", "why so sudden?", "what about the subzero whether?", and so on and so forth. So hopefully I can be explain and answer at least some of those questions now.
Why? First off, I do believe that this is a God thing. He's opening the door for us to do this right now when it wasn't open before. No we don't have all the answers and no we don't always know exactly why things happen when/why they do, but right now we do believe this is the best thing for our family.
Why Nebraska? Well of course it's because of the beef and corn.
Actually, I grew up there, and all of my family is there, I have 3 sisters, Aspen, Kate, and Jillian, of which two, Aspen and Jillian, have 4 and 5 kids (well #5 is on the way) and their kids just "happen" to be nearly the exact same ages as mine. My younger sister, Kate, and I are very close as well. My dad, his wife, and her kids live there, and I'm extremely close to my dad, and my mom and her husband live there as well and I'm getting closer and closer to them as I get older. (my dad always had custody so I didn't live with my mom and our relationship is a work in progress, she has been married to my stepdad for over 20 years and I am pretty close to him too)
This is just my immediate family, I have cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, the family friends we grew up thinking were family they spent so much time with us as well. And we have one of those families that is all about getting together, having traditions, holidays, birthdays, and just being a part of each others lives.
We know that family isn't everything, after all, God calls people pack up and move away as missionaries all the time, but anyone will tell you that even if family isn't everything, it sure is a lot. And with all the changes to our family in the past year and a half, right now we can use all the extra family support we can get.
Keep in mind that Darren grew up in the Boston Mass area and all of his family is still on the east coast, so we have zero family here.
Why so sudden? Well it's not really that sudden. Darren and I have talked for years about the possibility of moving there always knowing that although you can raise great kids in SoCal, we wanted a different life for ours if possible. One with yards and free roaming neighborhoods and in general the safety to be a little more carefree. And of course we wanted family to be a part of that. The timing has totally just been a God thing. There have been a lot of things that have let Darren and I know that it was time for change, and we were actually fighting it for a while. With Darren developing ulcers and needing to make changes in his work life, and knowing we needed to make changes that will benefit the whole family, we feel that this is where God is leading us, at least for now.
Another key to Nebraska is definitely the cost of living and quality of life. Yes, you're surrounded by grasslands, prairie and agriculture, (all of which are beautiful in their own right) but out here you've got what? apartment complexes? building after building after building? and statistically one of the worst air qualities in the nation? Yes, the weather is great, yes there is the beach, but city to city, there is nothing here that isn't there. It's just that this time of year you wear a parka to go out instead of tee shirts. Weather isn't everything and I personally miss having it snow a few times a year, I miss thunder and lighting storms, I miss rains and floods and not so much heat and humidity, but collectively all of it, it's always different and it always changes, so at least you appreciate the good way more in light of the not-so-good.
So we're going to buy some sweaters and parkas and get ready for what Nebraska has to offer.
We don't know what we're going to 'do' once we get there, but hopefully God will continue to reveal His awesome plan and we're going to enjoy ever mile of this adventure even if we have no idea where we're headed.
On a personal note, please don't think for a minute that it's not with a great degree of sadness that we move. Darren has spent nearly half of his life here, all as an adult. He has lived, worked and played here, made friends, met coworkers, and had friends that have become a second family to him. He's had a life and planned his future around being here, and it's not an easy thing to give up. The choice he's making now is the same choice I made years ago when I chose to move here and say goodbye to everything and everyone I knew. It's going to be hard, family or not there will be days when he is a nostalgic sort of lonely for this place and for the life he leaves behind. Claudia has already cried about leaving her friends. It's not without cost to her and Joe that we leave. She was born here and this is all she's ever known. She had chaos in her life until she came to our home and the past year and a half has been rock hard stable and the most consistency she's ever known so it is completely rocking her world to feel like she's being uprooted. But it is with all the Pros in mind that we make this choice knowing it's what's best for her and for all of us. Honestly, Joe is a little less concerned, but he's a boy and younger so that's normal. Theia won't know the difference.
And personally, I've also lived here for the past 4 years, and San Diego for 3 years as well and going back does symbolize closing the book on the California chapter of my life. (And for my carefree spirit, the idea of permanently settling down and not living in a tree house somewhere is really difficult to accept.) I have made friends, formed a new life, started new traditions and will miss it all terribly.
I will certainly keep posting our adventures as they happen. Small town living does provide some fantastic and very unique opportunities for kids and I'm excited to see what living so fully in the midst of nature and wilderness does for their spirits, I know what it did for mine. For example see my childhood home, and read my kids' reaction, it's pretty telling that this might be just the adventure they need. So yes, I'm excited. Excited to see if they learn to be wild and free, tree climbers, frog catchers, rock turners, cloud gazers, storm chasers, and more than anything, excited to see them learn hands on and eyes wide open what nature and the world is all about.
Some day they'll grow up, and maybe one day their kids will ask them what they once asked me, "You lived in the Park?!" and they'll also get to say "Yes, I guess I did live in the park." Every kid deserves the park, and I'm so glad to be giving one to my kids.
Ok, so not so enchanted, but certainly far away. We'll be moving to a small town just outside of Lincoln, NE, called Holland. (you see, if I'd said we were moving to Holland half of you would have said "The Netherlands?!" which would be cool, but is not the case)
I've gotten a lot of questions about "why?!", "why so sudden?", "what about the subzero whether?", and so on and so forth. So hopefully I can be explain and answer at least some of those questions now.
Why? First off, I do believe that this is a God thing. He's opening the door for us to do this right now when it wasn't open before. No we don't have all the answers and no we don't always know exactly why things happen when/why they do, but right now we do believe this is the best thing for our family.
Why Nebraska? Well of course it's because of the beef and corn.
Actually, I grew up there, and all of my family is there, I have 3 sisters, Aspen, Kate, and Jillian, of which two, Aspen and Jillian, have 4 and 5 kids (well #5 is on the way) and their kids just "happen" to be nearly the exact same ages as mine. My younger sister, Kate, and I are very close as well. My dad, his wife, and her kids live there, and I'm extremely close to my dad, and my mom and her husband live there as well and I'm getting closer and closer to them as I get older. (my dad always had custody so I didn't live with my mom and our relationship is a work in progress, she has been married to my stepdad for over 20 years and I am pretty close to him too)
This is just my immediate family, I have cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, the family friends we grew up thinking were family they spent so much time with us as well. And we have one of those families that is all about getting together, having traditions, holidays, birthdays, and just being a part of each others lives.
We know that family isn't everything, after all, God calls people pack up and move away as missionaries all the time, but anyone will tell you that even if family isn't everything, it sure is a lot. And with all the changes to our family in the past year and a half, right now we can use all the extra family support we can get.
Keep in mind that Darren grew up in the Boston Mass area and all of his family is still on the east coast, so we have zero family here.
Why so sudden? Well it's not really that sudden. Darren and I have talked for years about the possibility of moving there always knowing that although you can raise great kids in SoCal, we wanted a different life for ours if possible. One with yards and free roaming neighborhoods and in general the safety to be a little more carefree. And of course we wanted family to be a part of that. The timing has totally just been a God thing. There have been a lot of things that have let Darren and I know that it was time for change, and we were actually fighting it for a while. With Darren developing ulcers and needing to make changes in his work life, and knowing we needed to make changes that will benefit the whole family, we feel that this is where God is leading us, at least for now.
Another key to Nebraska is definitely the cost of living and quality of life. Yes, you're surrounded by grasslands, prairie and agriculture, (all of which are beautiful in their own right) but out here you've got what? apartment complexes? building after building after building? and statistically one of the worst air qualities in the nation? Yes, the weather is great, yes there is the beach, but city to city, there is nothing here that isn't there. It's just that this time of year you wear a parka to go out instead of tee shirts. Weather isn't everything and I personally miss having it snow a few times a year, I miss thunder and lighting storms, I miss rains and floods and not so much heat and humidity, but collectively all of it, it's always different and it always changes, so at least you appreciate the good way more in light of the not-so-good.
So we're going to buy some sweaters and parkas and get ready for what Nebraska has to offer.
We don't know what we're going to 'do' once we get there, but hopefully God will continue to reveal His awesome plan and we're going to enjoy ever mile of this adventure even if we have no idea where we're headed.
On a personal note, please don't think for a minute that it's not with a great degree of sadness that we move. Darren has spent nearly half of his life here, all as an adult. He has lived, worked and played here, made friends, met coworkers, and had friends that have become a second family to him. He's had a life and planned his future around being here, and it's not an easy thing to give up. The choice he's making now is the same choice I made years ago when I chose to move here and say goodbye to everything and everyone I knew. It's going to be hard, family or not there will be days when he is a nostalgic sort of lonely for this place and for the life he leaves behind. Claudia has already cried about leaving her friends. It's not without cost to her and Joe that we leave. She was born here and this is all she's ever known. She had chaos in her life until she came to our home and the past year and a half has been rock hard stable and the most consistency she's ever known so it is completely rocking her world to feel like she's being uprooted. But it is with all the Pros in mind that we make this choice knowing it's what's best for her and for all of us. Honestly, Joe is a little less concerned, but he's a boy and younger so that's normal. Theia won't know the difference.
And personally, I've also lived here for the past 4 years, and San Diego for 3 years as well and going back does symbolize closing the book on the California chapter of my life. (And for my carefree spirit, the idea of permanently settling down and not living in a tree house somewhere is really difficult to accept.) I have made friends, formed a new life, started new traditions and will miss it all terribly.
I will certainly keep posting our adventures as they happen. Small town living does provide some fantastic and very unique opportunities for kids and I'm excited to see what living so fully in the midst of nature and wilderness does for their spirits, I know what it did for mine. For example see my childhood home, and read my kids' reaction, it's pretty telling that this might be just the adventure they need. So yes, I'm excited. Excited to see if they learn to be wild and free, tree climbers, frog catchers, rock turners, cloud gazers, storm chasers, and more than anything, excited to see them learn hands on and eyes wide open what nature and the world is all about.
Some day they'll grow up, and maybe one day their kids will ask them what they once asked me, "You lived in the Park?!" and they'll also get to say "Yes, I guess I did live in the park." Every kid deserves the park, and I'm so glad to be giving one to my kids.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Eastward HO!
So it looks like mid March we're moving to Nebraska. Lincoln, or at least one of the surrounding areas.
There is, of course, a 3.79% chance that something comes up and it does not happen, but for the most part it's looking like a go.
Darren's developing ulcers due to stress at home and work, and the change of pace, job, and surroundings can only help. That added to the tremendous value of having all of my family around to help out and physically give us the support we need makes this a pretty solid deal. We've always suffered not having grandparents and/or aunts and uncles around to be there for us when we need to go out together, had emergencies come up, and in general just needed some extra love and hands.
I'll keep you posted when we make the final confirmation.
There is, of course, a 3.79% chance that something comes up and it does not happen, but for the most part it's looking like a go.
Darren's developing ulcers due to stress at home and work, and the change of pace, job, and surroundings can only help. That added to the tremendous value of having all of my family around to help out and physically give us the support we need makes this a pretty solid deal. We've always suffered not having grandparents and/or aunts and uncles around to be there for us when we need to go out together, had emergencies come up, and in general just needed some extra love and hands.
I'll keep you posted when we make the final confirmation.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Heartache
i'm totally having one of those days(well weeks, months really), where you let things from the past take you over, things that you've tried to push aside for years, and in a moment they come rushing back reminding you that you'll never really be without them. that they are a part of you and you'll never be whole trying to emancipate yourself from them. how do you get them back when it means giving up something you have now? how do you make choices? how do you decide? oh i just have heart ache thinking about it. nothing's ever really lost or forgotten, how do i move forward?
hope is the killer, dispair would at least mean it's over.
hope is the killer, dispair would at least mean it's over.
Friday, January 16, 2009
To Infinity and Beyond
I have been thinking a lot about what sometimes happens, how sometimes sibling sets have to be split up, at times it just isn't possible to keep them all together. Social Services does try their hardest to place separated kids with families that are willing to have contact with each other so the kids can grow up at least knowing each other. It is really sad to think that had we not been able to take Theia, and moved to Lincoln like we're planning to in the next couple years, Claudia and Joe would have grown up and had part of their story be "Yeah, I'm adopted and I have another bio sister that lives out in California some where, but I don't really know her."
Darren and I haven't talked about it much, but for me at least this does solidify my feelings that if the bio-mom were to have more children, even if not with the same dad, and if they were removed as well, I really would want to take them too.
For now it's just us, which considering there is five of us is plenty. It's amazing being able to say 'adopted', not 'being adopted'. Everything is final and done and it really does feel different, and in ways I wasn't really aware it would be, but it definitely feels good.
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