Yosemite's Real Beauties

So I've told this story a few times, ok, more than just a few, quite a few.  I knew that I should blog about this at the time it happened, but of course I'm the Queen Procrastinator and, well, I just didn't.

But anyway, here it goes now, better late than never.

So back in August we took a family camping trip to Yosemite National Park.  There are about 50 stories I could tell about how beautiful, big, emotionally impressive and breath taking it was, but the most moving story is from our last night there.

The entire time, Claudia was really emotional, in a very good way, she was really intune with what was going on around us, the majesty of it all, and more often than I can recall she'd say something like "oh mom!  it's beautiful!  Jesus made this for us because He loves us right?!"  "yes, baby, He made all this, and made it beautiful, because He loves us."  awwwww.... yes, it really was sweet.

So the last night that we're there, we decide that we wanted to take the kids out of the forest where we were camping, and out to the meadow so they could see all the stars.  We'd brought our bikes, so we took turns, first I headed out with Claudia on my handle bars and in the pitch dark of the night, with the path illuminated with our little flashlights, we rode out of the forest into the starlit meadow and laid down to look up at the stars.

We're laying off the path, in this meadow in Yosemite Valley, cliffs with the Royal Arches on one side, and the forest and more cliffs on the other.  As we look up, you could see the whole universe.  Ok, well not really, but living in southern California, you maybe see 50 stars at night, and in the clear sky up there it was mind blowing how many stars there were.  Claudia was about to cry, again, and she says "momma look!  they're beautiful, and Jesus made them for us because He loves us so much, right?!"  "yes hun, He loves us that much."

We agree that it's not fair to leave Joe and Papa waiting, so we get back on the bike, turn on our flash lights, and head back into the dark forest to our camp.

Claudia briefly tells Darren how beautiful it was, and that she hopes they have fun too, then they take off and we sit down next to our campfire and she cozies up in my lap.

She starts to talk to me about how beautiful it all was, we look up and in the parting of the mass of trees above us, the small break in the canopy lets us see a few stars, just a fraction of what we saw a few minutes earlier, but probably still more than we ever see at home.  She keeps talking, and in a way that is very typical of her storytelling-reminiscing-memory-wandering, she starts to tell me how she missed me when she was still with Marisa, her birth mom.  Of course, she doesn't understand that she didn't actually miss me, that she didn't even know me, but because she's still young she doesn't necessarily 'remember' in chronological order.  I told her that I didn't know her yet and that's why she wasn't with me.  She started to get really sad, emotional at least, saying that she wished she just could have been in my tummy instead.  I had to explain to her that Jesus had a very unique plan for her, and that part of that was to be made inside Marisa's tummy, not mine.  And that Marisa would always have a very special part of her story, she'll always get to be her "tummy mommy", and my special part of her story is to get to be her "family mommy".  

She started to tell me a story about a time when she must have gone on a court appointed visit to see her birth mom.  At the end of the visit Marisa told her it was time to leave and Claudia had started crying saying she didn't want to go, Marisa told her that she had to, that she'd have to go back to Wendy (the temp fostermom at the time).  She was upset that they were taking her away.  Claudia turned and looked at me and said "and she didn't feel bad."  we try to help her to remember these sorts of things with as little negative subjectivity as possible so I said, "you mean she didn't cry?"  

"no, well, maybe on the inside, but I didn't see it"  

"hmmm"

"you would have cried, right mom?  if they were taking me away from you?"

"yes, Claudia, I would have cried if someone took you away."

"okay then"

She smiled, gave me a kiss and then turned back to look at the fire.  For a long time we just sat there, holding each other.  Her probably now thinking about stars, s'mores and bears and all the beautiful things we'd seen in the week we'd been there.  And me thinking about how she'd worked through a painful memory in her past, recognized that although Marisa loves her, something is definitely different about her and the kind of mom she is, and how she realized that although I didn't have her in my tummy, I would have cried if someone tried to take her, and that's the kind of mom she wants, a family mom, a real mom.  

Sound Off

Thanks to a friend's blog i'm following, i'm also posting a sound off post.  this is a fun way to see who all actually reads this and where you're all from!  post a comment with your name and location!

"See ya later"

ash

Theia Lynn

so monday, december 15th, was the day we signed the adoption paperwork for theia.  it was such a good feeling to change her name and have her no longer be a foster child.  

her name before was Cynthia Rose, which is actually a very cute name, something i'm sure any other girl would thank their parents for some day when they're older.  certainly not something she'd be teased about for any particular reason.  

when we adopted the other two kids, we didn't change their first names.  they're at the age where they're too old to change their names and assume they wouldn't notice, but they're also not old enough to understand the concept of being able to change it.  so the notion to them just seemed silly, like we'd be playing a game if we started calling them something else.  so their first names stayed the same, and we only changed the middle, and last of course.  

we'd decided  long ago when we were still trying to get pregnant that the kids middle names would all come from family, so naturally, we gave the kids those middle names, joe's is now Todd, and claudia's is now Jean.  initially in our fantasy plan, we were going to have 2 boys and a girl.  so although we have another boys name, we didn't have another girl name, so even though from the beginning we knew we'd change her name, for the longest time we didn't know to what.

as much as we both think that cynthia is a cute name, and i'm actually partial to names that have 'y's in them, darren and i are both very much against the name 'cindy' which all too often becomes the nick name for cynthias.  (and the birth mother does call her cindy, which proves my point)  so we knew from the beginning we wouldn't keep it cynthia.  even though yes, we could call her "thia" for short, we knew that inevitably she'd be asked "is that short for something?" and when she said "well, cynthia actually" she'd end up being called cynthia at times (and i know this from my own experience, no matter how many times i tell people to call me ash, they end up calling me ashley anyway once they find out that's what it 'actually' is, gah).  

i've had some people be kind of hard on me, saying that i shouldn't take that choice from her, "what if she wants to go by cynthia when she grows up?"  well what if i wanted to go by celeste?  it's not my name because that's not what my mom named me, and ultimately it was HER choice, that's just how it works!

changing the spelling to Theia was mostly my decision, darren would have preferred just thia.  i explained to him that i wanted to differentiate it from cynthia and thia as much as possible so it would remove as much of the "is that short for something..." as possible.  now she can just tell people it's greek for 'divine one/goddess'.  the same greek root word that we get theology from.

anyway.  in our quest to figure out a way to give her a family related middle name, we decided on my mom's middle name which is lynn.  of course there's a drama story about that and how my mom reacted, first when we weren't going to do it, and then how she acted like she couldn't care less when we did, but whatever, you'd have to know my mom.  *sigh*

but much to our relief and joy, as of monday december 15th, she's forever Theia Lynn Croteau, and yes, her initials are TLC ;)

it's her party...

we're in that wonderful stage of screaming for everything with theia.  it's been really rough, she's obviously not happy about something, or nothing, or maybe everything.  it's so hard to tell.  she's certainly always hungry, and then she's just had it with the car too.  nothing makes her scream like the car seat.  the minute she sees it she starts screaming.  i never know what to do, listen?, ignore it?, what?  we did take her binky away a couple weeks ago, so of course i'm sure that ties into all of this.  before when she'd get ticked in the car we'd just give her the binky and she'd be fine.  late night rides were almost certain to put her to sleep, but now with mr. b. gone, she just cries and hardly ever just cries herself to sleep.  

we've been playing jazz or blues in her room at night to help her get back to sleep when she does wake up and doesn't have the binky to help her.  it's been pretty effective, and now we mostly play jazz in the car, so when she is tired, it helps her to just lay her head down.  now i've got nothing against jazz and the blues, it's actually what i play mostly when i'm playing the drums, but listening to it constantly, well, i've heard about all the trumpets, trombones and brass i can handle.  

anyway, i'm sure that in time this too shall pass, but until then, i'll be hunting for my ear plugs.

my arms

i'm the kind of person that will hear a new 'favorite' song and will get addicted, listening to it over and over and over.  i'll put my iPod on repeat1 and just have it running through my brain all day as i go about all my business, sometimes not even really listening sometimes very fixated.  anyway, my latest addiction is In My Arms by Plumb and at first i have to say i was more in love with it just for the musical aspect and didn't even really know what the song was about, until the 50th time or so.  i sat down and really listened to the words and it was really amazing that it's a song she's singing to her child, and the message has made me love it even more.  a message that our childish fairy tale dreams may not come true, and how she's sad that there will be a time when her child realizes that for herself, and how we keep our kids safe in our arms.  it's the song play that should be playing first, and here's the lyrics so you can read them for yourself.

In My Arms

Your baby blues 

So full of wonder 

Your curley cues 

Your contageous smile 

And as i watch 

You start to grow up 

All I can do is hold you tight 

Knowing clouds will raise up 

Storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Story books full of fairy tales 

Kings and queens and the bluest skies 

My heart is torn just in knowing 

You'll someday see the truth from lies 

Knowing clouds will raise up 

Storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you 

Clouds will raise up 

Storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

I only hope that it's true, that i really can keep my kids safe in my arms.  i'll try, for as long as they'll keep coming back to them.