Commited vs. Commited

It seems like just about everyday now we have something go on or happen that I think I should blog about. It's just so hard when I have about 15,976 other things to do to actually make my self sit down. So I figure that before 7 on a Sunday morning is about as good a time as any to do it. Of course, the baby just woke up so now this might be shorter than I thought. Ah, life.

First I'd like to tip my hat to Ashley and Mark Hustad. Reconnecting with her and our discussions about infertility, adoption, life and our journey toward motherhood and 'family' have been greatly motivating and I'm really thankful for her, even if we do talk significantly less now that they've been blessed with Little Man, through open adoption. (if I'm going to lose her to anyone, I'm glad it's a child!)

Secondly, I think all women suffer from mental illness. Some sort of delusional state pre-child and reactive emotional meltdown psychosis state post-child.

Let me explain. Most women, at least those who really do want children, usually find themselves believing that they love kids, oh they really do; after all, kids are sweet, fun, playful, some times a hand full, we all know about the "terrible two's" and such, but they really love them. And they want a child to love, so someday, maybe today, they want kids. You know, they want a child to love, and who loves them back.

They live in this delusion that some how being a mom means that 'you love a child'. And certainly "All You Need is Love", right? Won't that solve all your problems? Just loving the little ones, and occasionally waxing/shining their halos?

So the reality of motherhood as it pertains to children is far from them, therefore, they are delusional.

*i must say that I'm currently being squished by the baby as she's crawled over to me and is now smashing her face into my chest and rubbing it on me, like she's wiping the snot off her nose and using my chest to do it, fortunately however, she has no snot, this is just her interpretation of hugging, with her face.*

Perfect lead into the realities of motherhood. There is just no stinking way that LOVE is all you need. That's just a load of bull they tell you so that people will keep having kids. When it comes to the day-in day-out part of motherhood, love actually has very little to do with it. Sanity, has everything.

Ok, not just sanity, but safety, serenity, and simplicity as well, if we're sticking with S's for the silliness factor anyway. Life is fast, busy and fast, so for the most part, things need to run smoothly and efficiently in order for them to not collide and be "dashed into a million pieces of a broken machiney thingy".

I love my kids, and would love to do nothing but frolic, dance, sing and play all day, and give them every little thing their hearts desire. I want to love on them all the time, lay with them at night, walk hand-in-hand all day, and have a blissfully wonderful love-nest of a home. The reality is that of course, that will never teach them all they need to know about life, and of course I'd be setting them up for failure, and of course, I just can't be there every moment of the day, and of course eventually one's pursuit of happiness will conflict with anther's so I'd be forced to either pick one over the other, or pick neither, and most of the time as a mom (well, a mom with more than one child) you actually have to pick neither.

Motherhood is most accurately described like being a referee in an intramural roller derby. Everyone is racing around the track, trying to push the others out of the way, but technically we're all supposed to be moving as a pack, and in the end we're all on the same team anyway.

Kids are rough, life it tough, and it never goes completely smooth. Once the kids actually 'come home', it's school, church, speech, Dr's appointments, dentist appointments, one cold after another, infections, rejections, bumps, bruises, occasionally stitches, allergies, rashes, hurt feelings, feeling hurters, bullies, dirt, fingernails, woobies lost and found, and who can forget that these small people need to eat ALL THE TIME, and that they some how manage to wear every stinking piece of clothing that they have in a matter of 5-7 days?

LOVE certainly does NOT solve every problem you have, discernment, prayer, rationality, judiciousness, grace, mercy, and justice are what solve these problems. I know some will argue with me and say that there is love behind all of those things which I agree is true, after all God is love, and He is all of those things as well. The love I mean is that lighthearted honeymoon love that certainly is not even meant to last forever.

So that is what I mean when I say there is a sort of "reactive emotional meltdown psychosis state post-child". It's extremely hard emotionally when you have to act as a rational person despite irrational feelings. As a mom you cannot act out of emotion, you cannot discipline your children based on how they or their actions make you 'feel'. We all know that children act purely based on how they feel, and that is what makes them irrational beings that we have to continually teach how to behave despite how they feel (go to school even though you don't like it, let Aunt Letty squeeze your cheek for the umpteenth time out of respect, don't hit your brother even though, I agree, he is annoying when he won't stop telling you that your barbie needs a hair cut and he has the perfect idea 'Mohawk' and scissors to do it for you) We are constantly trying to teach our kids that the 'right thing' must be done no matter how you feel about it, yet so often we ourselves don't always do it when we don't feel like it. The psychosis sets in when you realize that to be a good parent you have to do the right thing when you don't feel like it, and you will probably go on not feeling like it. And you might start to question if you should just cook one of the children for dinner. My son will say "i don't love you anymore" and it breaks my heart and instead of saying "I still love you" I get upset and send him to his room. When I'm tired and sick I don't always want to cook dinner, read stories, do our bath time routine and all that, so all of those ideas of just 'loving on our kids' kinda goes out the window and it becomes more like becoming an indentured servant. (an indentured servant whose job is to referee the roller derby of all things.)

These kids put up the cost of Motherhood for us, and for the next 18+ years we have to be their slaves to pay it back.

Non of this is to say that being a mother hasn't been one of the most positive wonderful experiences of my life. This was only to say that it's very eye opening to actually be a mom and realize that you certianly don't always get what you want, but of course, if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need.


*disclaimer, we took in 2 boys, brothers 5 and 2 1/2 on Friday the 17th, as a respite for their foster mom who's taking a vacation. That said, I have a house of 5 children, all 5 and under, so my comments might be a little colored by lack of sleep, more dirty clothes, more mouths to feed, coughing children by night, screaming banshees by day. therefore, i may have to revise my comments next sunday when the boys have returned home and some of the derby players have left the track.

Capturing These Few Moments

We had a joint birthday party for the kids yesterday. I could say about a million things about how it was our first birthday party as the 'parents' and how it was the first party for the kids period. It was pretty amazing but I think for right now I'm going to let the photos speak for themselves. Enjoy.